


The Bridges We Burned

by exhoechanbaek



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Actor!Baekhyun, Actor!Chanyeol, Angst, Fluff, Hate to Love, Infidelity, M/M, Panic Attacks, Post-Break Up, Smut, actors!au, trigger warning : panic attacks
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-26
Updated: 2020-09-25
Packaged: 2020-09-27 07:24:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 27,341
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20403907
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/exhoechanbaek/pseuds/exhoechanbaek
Summary: Byun Baekhyun doesn’t give second chances. So he doesn’t think twice when he throws the engagement ring back at his boyfriend’s face. He wasn’t going to marry a cheater.Park Chanyeol never stopped loving his once almost fiancé. He still doesn’t know why the love of his life turned his back on him.Now five years later, as two of the most prolific actors in Korea, they must come together to play a couple passionately in love. Will they find their way back to each other while acting out someone else’s feelings?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello there reader! First of all I’d like to thank you for choosing to give this fic a chance, it is my very first attempt at fan fiction and I know there’s a lot of room for improvement. However I do hope you enjoy it.  
Next up I’d like to thank my beta A, without whom this fic wouldn’t even exist. There’s so much to thank you for and I couldn’t have done this without you.  
I won’t ramble too much here, happy reading!

“Baekhyun this isn’t a chance you can just throw away. I get that you’re doing well right now but this industry is so fickle. You have to stay ahead of the curve," Yixing follows his client around as he paces his office.

  
“Okay. I’ll stay ahead of the curve with the next project. I just don’t want to do this one.”

  
“Baekhyun whatever happened between you and him was five years ago-"

  
“Yixing I’m not going to do it. Talk to Myeon and nip this in the bud."

  
Yixing watches his usually chipper client bustle around the office with barely suppressed rage. He doesn’t know what happened between his client and his ex and he figures it’s not his place to ask. So he weighs what he says next carefully before taking the plunge. “He accepted the offer. Seems he has no problem working with you.”

  
Yixing watches as Baekhyun’s knuckles whiten at the edge of the polished mahogany desk separating them. “I know where you’re going Zhang and you can stop right-“

  
“It’s a bit cowardly Baek."

  
Baekhyun’s eyes snap up at him and he almost takes a step back at the vehemence in those downturned eyes. “Fine. Fine if it will get you off my ass for five fucking seconds. I don’t have anything to be worried about anyway. I’m the one who dumped the bastard."

Yixing gives his brat of a client an extra sugary smile before opening the door to the office. “Meeting with the director on Monday Byun, bring your A game."

  
Yixing chuckles all the way to the lobby, still hearing the thunk Baekhyun’s Best Actor award made as it hit the spot Yixing’s head was supposed to be in.

Park Chanyeol was a busy man. After delivering three back to back hits, he was the hottest commodity in the Korean film industry. He was fielding offers left and right, but at the moment he had a death grip on the one his manager had handed him two days ago.

Chanyeol clips the script back into place before shakily pouring himself a scotch. He was still shocked at how quickly he’d accepted the offer. His manager was thrilled of course. The movie was written by an award winning screenwriter, the director had just released the first Korean movie to win an Oscar. Plus it paired him up with Byun Baekhyun, the only other actor who could be considered Chanyeol’s competition.

  
But now in the glimmering light of sunset, Chanyeol was sick with apprehension. He gets up to look outside his floor length windows, Seoul’s skyline sparkling in front of him.

Byun Baekhyun.

The man who had haunted Chanyeol’s mind since the first day he had laid eyes on him. He was a scrawny little thing back then. Both of them meeting frequently in the out of work actor circuit. They had to attend every audition they could just to get a measly call back. After the fourth audition of finding his eyes following the short boy around, Chanyeol had plopped himself down next to him and told him he loved his Iron Man shirt.

  
Chanyeol chuckles bitterly at the memory. He could never resist Baekhyun. Whether the other man was kissing him tenderly or smashing his heart to pieces.

The fading sunlight catches on his ring. The simple platinum band studded with diamonds flashes as he grips his glass of scotch tighter. Tomorrow he’d have to face the man who had thrown him away as callously as one would a piece of garbage.

He doesn't have to explain anything but that doesn’t stop the dread that knots in his gut at the prospect of telling his ex, the only man he’d ever loved, that he has been happily engaged for three years now. Chanyeol swallows the rest of his drink in one swift motion, the burn down his throat a welcome distraction.

_Well_ _Park_ _you_ _literally_ _signed_ _yourself_ _up_ _for_ _this_. _It’s_ _time_ _to_ _face_ _your_ _ghosts_.

Monday rolls in with a thunderstorm to accompany it. Baekhyun watches the raindrops cascade against the windows of his Mercedes with grim resignation. Of _course_ this was how the weather would be today. Life had to have it’s little jokes after all.

But humor was the last thing on the young actor’s mind. He hadn’t slept a wink last night, memories flooding his mind at a breakneck pace. His huge Bambi eyes, his plush pink lips, the callouses of his fingers sparking magic on Baekhyun’s skin. The first time he’d stayed over, Baekhyun had woken up to find him shirtless, sitting at his desk strumming on his beat up acoustic. His face had been scrunched up in concentration and Baekhyun had felt a well of emotion surge through him at the sight.

He pushes the memories away with a snarl. He couldn’t be weak today, he had to prove to Park Chanyeol that he was completely and utterly over him. That he had no space for him inside his heart, no matter how ravaged and empty the man himself had left it.

  
Baekhyun smoothly parks his car in the reserved parking space before unfolding himself from the car. He had chosen his outfit the previous night much to his own embarrassment. He wasn’t preparing for a date for god’s sake, but he told himself it was a power move. Your outfit projects your aura or whatever crap Yixing was always trying to feed him.

The black skinny jeans moulded his legs perfectly, the nondescript white T-shirt probably cost more than most people’s rent and he had topped it off with his trusty leather jacket. It was probably the oldest thing in his closet, but he wanted, no, _needed, _the familiar comfort today.

_No_ _cracks_ _in_ _the_ _armor_ _Byun_.

The elevator ride seems interminable to Baekhyun. His heart rate elevating in sync with the rise of the floor numbers. He takes deep breaths to calm down his fraying nerves. It wasn’t the first time he was seeing his ex since their break up. They were both actors, in the elite top tier of the Korean social scene. He’d spot him at award shows and charity auctions, spotting him had always been an easy task. Baekhyun used to joke that he couldn’t lose him in a crowd if he tried, that he’d find him by just looking for a pair of ears too big for ones head.

But this was the first time since the end that he’d be interacting with the man. The first time he’d have to hold eye contact with, to address, to pretend to be polite to.

  
The white washed minimalistic office comes into view as the elevator doors open. Baekhyun takes a deep breath before sauntering forward, years of practiced nonchalance making his movements graceful and sleek.

The office door was open, the directors voice booming from inside, a softer one accompanying it. When Baekhyun enters, both pairs of eyes shift to him and he breaks into a smirk. “Minseok-sshi, its an honor," he says as he bows low to the director.

The man, Kim Minseok returns the bow before hauling him into his arms for a tight hug. He was identical to Baekhyun in height but managed to give him a bear hug that made him feel much smaller. “The honor and pleasure is all mine Baekhyun-sshi. I’m a big fan of your work, absolutely fantastic stuff."

  
Baekhyun nods his head politely in acknowledgement before turning his attention to the only other occupant of the room. Chanyeol is already looking at him. His eyes were completely unreadable even though his expression was polite enough.

The dimple Baekhyun would spend hours running his tongue over was nowhere in sight.

He was in his signature oversized clothing, a loose grey shirt covered by a two tone Balenciaga jacket that drowned his frame. A black cap covering his hair and a cup of iced americano in his right hand. Baekhyun almost wants to scoff at how little he had changed. Down to the damn coffee order.

  
But instead he puts on his best smile and reaches his hand out. “Chanyeol. It’s good to see you”.

Chanyeol’s eyes twitch for the barest of moments before he realizes his right hand is occupied, he flusters, awkwardly shuffling the drink to his empty one. Baekhyun’s mind betrays him instantly by warming to the clumsiness, a trait so ingrained in Chanyeol that he still couldn’t separate it from the man himself. But his thoughts come to a screeching halt when he notices the left hand closing around the travel cup. The flash of platinum is unmistakeable, the position having only a singular meaning.

Baekhyun doesn’t realize that he’s staring, that Chanyeol has been holding his hand out for quite sometime now. He comes to when he feels a hand thump his shoulder, and turns to find Minseok handing him a script.

“This is the edited version from what we sent to your offices. I think you should look at it before we talk further. I’ll just be in the other room,” Minseok says with a smile.

  
Baekhyun is about to tell him to stay when the director turns on his heel and leaves, taking the only distraction with him. Baekhyun’s chest feels tight and he refuses to look at Chanyeol as he takes a seat at the desk and opens up the script. He can feel Chanyeol look at him, his gaze a flutter across his skin. Chanyeol clears his throat but doesn’t say anything.

The silence is tense, stifling. But neither of them address it as they shuffle through the script. Minseok has helpfully placed bright tags where there were changes and Baekhyun pulls out his phone to check the notes he’d made the previous night. For a while he lets himself forget the situation, immersing himself in his job. _This_, he knows how to do.

Chanyeol is fidgeting, he can see it out of the corner of his eyes. But he keeps his head low, his bottom lip caught between his teeth to keep his focus on the script in front of him.

“Baekhyun.” He sounds so unsure and it breaks Baekhyun’s heart afresh.

_When_ _did_ _we_ _become_ _like_ _this_ _Yeol_ _ah_? _Why_ _did_ _this_ _happen_ _to_ _us_?

Baekhyun looks up at Chanyeol’s face. He can see the uncertainty, the sadness but more obviously, he can see the guilt. And he hates that he has to feel this way around him.

“Why did you agree to this Baekhyun?”

Baekhyun expects a million questions, maybe anger, maybe smugness. But he doesn’t expect this. He’s caught off guard and he’s struck speechless again. He looks away before his eyes give away too much.

Chanyeol sighs in frustration. “Seriously? You agree to work with me on a movie. A movie where we’re _lovers_ and you’re not going to talk to me?”

His voice is still that deep rumble, Baekhyun feels it all the way to his bones. He’s frozen on the spot. He thought he was in control, had the upper hand. But the sight of his ex was turning him inside out, memories and regrets suffocating him. The addition of the ring, which flashes every time Chanyeol moves his hand is almost too much.

Baekhyun can’t breathe, he has to get out of here. He pushes away from the table, feeling light headed. When he stands his knees buckle but before he can hit the floor arms surround him and keep him upright. Baekhyun takes a deep breath and his senses are filled with the man holding him up.

_Chanyeol_ _Chanyeol_ _Chanyeol_

His heartbeat is erratic, he feels faint. Oh but he knows what this is. He’d had panic attacks ever since he was a teenager, the worser ones leaving him completely incapacitated.

Each breath into his lungs _burns_.

  
He’s clutching on to Chanyeol without knowing it. The physical contact absolutely necessary.

  
“Baekhyun. Baekhyun breathe.” The voice is like an anchor, it’s familiar cadence already making Baekhyun feel better.

  
Chanyeol pushes him away but only so that he can look up at the face lined with concern.  
“Hey, look at me. I’m right here. Breathe with me okay? Inhale. Exhale. That’s right. That’s right Hyun ah."

  
The nickname makes his fingers tingle but at the moment it doesn’t pierce his bubble. He follows Chanyeol’s breathing and soon he’s breathing on his own, not feeling as faint anymore.

His ex lowers him back on to the chair and kneels in front of him. Both of Baekhyun’s hands are safely ensconced in Chanyeol’s and he’s rubbing soothing circles on his knuckles. It takes a few more minutes but eventually Baekhyun pulls himself out of it, his heart settles and color rushes across his face when he realizes how he must look right then.

_How_ _weak_, _how_ _pathetic._

Baekhyun shudders away the last vestiges of the attack and draws himself up, gently tugging his hands away. He can’t bring himself to look at Chanyeol, not after how he’d crumbled after a bare few moments alone with him.

  
Unfortunately for him, Chanyeol can still read him like a book. “Hey. There’s nothing to be embarrassed about. I’ve got you."

  
The words pierce a part of his heart Baekhyun had thought was long dead. He finally looks up to meet Chanyeol’s eyes, still earnest and concerned. He smiles weakly.  
“Thank you. I’m fine now. Better. Shall I call Minseok back in?”

  
Chanyeol seems taken aback before he settles his features again. He nods.

Baekhyun eases himself out of the chair and leaves the room to find Minseok. He doesn’t know when it happened, when the decision to stay had materialized, when moments ago he was contemplating scraping the whole thing.  
But he already knows he will be doing this movie, he’ll be pledging his time, his art, to work with Chanyeol for the better part of a year in the role of his lover.

His head feels like it’s going to burst, a result of the attack and the constant barrage of thoughts, but he pushes it all to the back of his mind and as he goes over the final details with Minseok and a producer.

Chanyeol hasn’t looked at him once since he came back with the director in tow. They both agree to the stipulations and put in their thoughts when asked. They’re cordial, mostly agreeing on the changes, the locations for the shoots. Minseok seems delighted at the easy camaraderie.

Baekhyun wonders if he’s used to turning a blind eye to obviously tense situations.

In no time at all Baekhyun is handed an outrageously fancy pen, and he signs his name on the dotted line. They shake hands and the deal is finalized.

  
Starting next week Byun Baekhyun would play the lover of his ex boyfriend, the man who had walked out of the office the second the final goodbyes were said, not sparing him a single glance.


	2. Chapter 2

Chanyeol is jittery, fingers drumming restlessly on the polished surface of the bar. Sehun was late, as usual. He contemplates ordering another drink but he didn’t want to explain to his fiance why he was coming home drunk on a Tuesday afternoon.

It has hardly been a day since he’d seen Baekhyun and he was still reeling from the encounter. Chanyeol wonders how he’s supposed to spend the better part of a year playing house with him when the other can barely stand to be in his presence.

His head begins to throb and he’s about to kick in the bucket and order that second scotch when his bestfriend slides into the stool next to him. Sehun always looks like he’s stepped right off the runway and today was no different.

Chanyeol is almost irritated at how good the young model looks in a simple cashmere sweater and jeans so his “Can’t you be on time for once?”, comes out with more bite than usual. Sehun barely spares him a glance before calmly ordering a glass of white wine.

Chanyeol waits with ill concealed impatience as the younger takes his sweet time flirting with the bartender, swirling his wine around and taking long dramatic sips of it. He finally turns to face Chanyeol with one eyebrow raised.

“So I was on twitter this morning…” Sehun drawls, looking at Chanyeol over the rim of his wine glass. “Saw some interesting stuff.”

Chanyeol waits for him to finish but of course this was Oh Sehun, long time best friend and resident brat. The model simply crosses his legs daintily and waits for Chanyeol to speak first.

“It’s just a movie Sehun. I know what you’re thinking and you’re wrong. I’m happily engaged if you recall.”

“Ah yes, the fairytale engagement. Remind me again when the actual wedding is? Oh that’s right, its been three years and you haven’t set a date yet.”

Chanyeol pinches the bridge of his nose to alleviate some of the pain around his temples. The topic of his wedding date was enough to give him a migraine at any point of the day, but it was multiplied tenfold now that it was being brought up in connection to his ex.

“We’re waiting for the right time.”

“We? Or you?” Sehun asks.

“Sehun drop it. I didn’t call you here to give me a fucking lecture ” Chanyeol bites out.

But if he’s looking for a reaction from the younger, he’s predictably disappointed.

“Okay so why did you invite me here? I could be getting some old rich guy to buy me the new Hermes bag,” Sehun sighs in boredom while signaling for another glass of wine.

“You’re still sucking limp old man dick for designer bags?”

“Don’t be stupid Chanyeol. The trick is to let them think that they’re _going_ to get their dick sucked at some point. Never to actually suck their dick. Gross.”

Chanyeol can’t help but laugh. As much of a brat as he was, Sehun was the only person who can brighten up his mood. His loyal confidant since the two were awkward lanky high schoolers and the only one who could beat some sense into Chanyeol’s admittedly thick head.

The two move over to their reserved table and place their lunch orders before Chanyeol takes a deep breath and faces his bestfriend.

“Look, I’m over him okay? Really I am. I mean come on, it’s been five years”, Chanyeol ignores Sehun’s scoff _and_ the voice in his head that’s telling him he sounds like he’s convincing himself and not his friend.

“But?” Sehun prompts.

“How do you know there’s a but?” Chanyeol asks genuinely surprised.

“Of course there’s a but you dumbass. Geez how did you manage to get better grades than me anyway?”

Chanyeol resists the urge to throw a breadstick at Sehun’s head because they’re in a crowded restaurant. Oh and because he was a twenty seven year old man.

“There was an incident, of sorts." When he’s only met with more bored silence Chanyeol continues. “He had a panic attack so I helped him through it”.

Chanyeol wills away the heat creeping up his neck at the memory of holding Baekhyun in his arms after all these years, a bittersweet mix of pain and pleasure coursing through him at the mere memory.

Sehun’s eyes soften. “Hyung.”

Chanyeol gulps, Sehun hardly ever used honorifics with him.

“Have you really thought this through? You’re engaged. I really _really_ didn’t want to bring this up, but wasn’t infidelity the reason you lost him in the first place?”

Chanyeol sputters in shock, he feels as though a bucket of ice water has been upturned on his head. He’s saved from answering by the arrival of the waitress with their food. Sehun tucks into the food immediately and Chanyeol knows it’s because he wants to give him time to compose himself and his heart constricts in gratitude and fondness.

“Trust me Sehun ah, nothing is going to happen between me and Baekhyun. I’m going to wrap up this movie in no time at all and use the fat paycheck to give my fiance the honeymoon he deserves.”

Sehun’s eyes crinkle in a smile as he slips his hand over his oldest friend’s hand for a quick squeeze. They don’t talk until the end of the meal when Chanyeol is settling the bill. (I’m the maknae hyung, I’m not going to pay!)

Chanyeol is pulling his coat on, there’s some emails from his manager that he should probably open but he knew he was going to procrastinate instead.

“So, are you going to introduce the two of them?”

There was absolutely no point in pretending he didn’t understand the question so he looks down at his phone as he answers.

“No. Not any time soon. Beside’s its not like Baekhyun’s going to be a permanent fixture."

Sehun’s face is blank as he hugs him goodbye. “Alright hyung, just be careful okay?”

Chanyeol drives home distracted, he couldn’t control his curiosity enough to stop him from reading his managers emails. His grip on the steering wheel tightens.

Shooting starts at the end of the week. 

Baekhyun wakes up at 4am on the morning of their first day of shooting. It was his ritual and the fact that his insides felt all sorts of twisted wasn’t going to keep him from his first day regime.

He eats his standard breakfast of fruit and a protein shake while checking his emails and google alerts. Predictably, the chatter around the casting hasn’t died down. Twitter is buzzing with comments about the pair playing lovers for the first time and how good they looked with each other.

Baekhyun carefully closes his tabs while trying to control his breathing. He is startled when he realizes that he’s not so much scared as he is excited. But it was a new movie and no one loved their job as much as Baekhyun does. Or so he tells himself as he showers and dresses up.

The track pants and Supreme sweatshirt are both black and not even the same shade of it. But there’s no point in choosing an outfit when he has to change before the shoot anyway. Besides, he doesn’t have anyone to impress.

When he gets to the location for the first few scenes it’s pure chaos. Assistants and interns are running around like headless chickens trying to get everything done. He sees a young make up artist sprint with brushes outstretched and a producer hollering into his phone all while a somber cameraman checks his equipment. Baekhyun stands in the midst of the cacophony of noise and activity and takes it in. Adrenaline is surging through his veins, nothing makes him feel more alive than being on a movie set.

He looks around for Minseok and finds him on the other side of the set, gesturing broadly to a harried looking intern. He smiles as he walks over to them, while practicing his lines in his head. Like he’d been doing since he woke up.

“Ah Baekhyun! You’re here! And a half an hour early too. They weren’t kidding about your work ethic my boy!” Minseok enthuses as Baekhyun steps toward them.

The intern drops into a low bow and smiles in a daze when Baekhyun bows back before grinning at her.

“You can follow Hyejin to the makeup and wardrobe trailer. I’ll brief you and Chanyeol together once he gets here”, Minseok says as he gently pushes Baekhyun towards the trailers.

Baekhyun trails behind the intern, who’s been throwing him not so inconspicuous looks the entire time. He didn’t realize that he had relaxed as soon as he found out Chanyeol wasn’t here yet. He can brace himself better before facing his ex. He absolutely could not let himself be a fool like the last time.

In twenty minutes he is outfitted in jeans and a soft baby blue sweater. The make up artist has just finished putting the base on, she was now brushing a subtle highlight over the high points of his cheeks, cooing throughout at how good his skin was.

Baekhyun hums distractedly. Chanyeol was changing not five feet away from him after throwing him a quick cursory greeting. He keeps rehearsing ice breakers, but every time Chanyeol so much as looks at him his words dry right up. The betrayal and anger are a constant simmer in the back of his head, but this was Chanyeol, the man affected him by his mere presence. Baekhyun hates how powerless he makes him feel. 

He’s interrupted from his rumination by Minseok, who bustles in while pulling Chanyeol along by his arm. Baekhyun’s lips twitch when he sees how much Chanyeol is bending to accommodate Minseok’s height difference.

The memory comes sudden and painful as always.

Baekhyun trying to keep his muttering quiet as he uses all his strength to reach the box of pasta on the top shelf. He’d been cooking a special anniversary dinner while Chanyeol was locked up in his studio.

His then boyfriend of a year had quietly snuck up behind him and taken six years off his life when he wrapped both arms around him.

“Oh my god you knew I was home, the neighbors are gonna think I’m murdering you”, Chanyeol had said as he covered his ears.

“You know I startle easily," Baekhyun had said pushing his boyfriend away.

“Is baby mad because he ruined his own surprise?” Chanyeol had cooed.

“Cook your own dinner Park I’m going out," Baekhyun had barely gotten the last word out before he was being hauled back into a warm strong chest.

“Hey Baek?”

“Mm what?”

“How about we save the pasta for later. I have some ideas for what we can do right now."

Baekhyun had held in his giggle as he felt a warm wetness behind his ear. “Oh yeah?”

“Mhmm. Let’s go."

Chanyeol had then swung one arm under his knees and carried him bridal style, with him shrieking and giggling all the way to the bedroom.

The pain is sharp, piercing. Baekhyun feels his eyes brim and quickly blinks them away before either of the men can notice.

“As I was just telling Chanyeol, we’re going to shoot some of the later scenes first, because I want to keep this platinum hair for those”, Minseok gestures towards Chanyeol’s head.

Baekhyun looks up, swallowing the lump that had formed a few moments ago. His eyes widen automatically, he hadn’t seen Chanyeol’s hair under the cap last time. Gone was the unruly mop of black hair he was accustomed to, in its place sleek platinum waves tinged with lavender were swept up and away from his forehead. A sharp undercut was putting those giant ears into prominence. Baekhyun blinks a couple times to take in the sight, every inch of his being wanted to protest but he had to admit that Chanyeol looked _good_.

‘More than good’, his brain supplies unhelpfully.

Chanyeol is staring at him in confusion, he realizes that Minseok has been waiting for his answer to something. Hoping against hope that he isn’t saying yes to anything horrifying, Baekhyun weakly nods at the director.

“Great! We’ll be moving to the next location right away then. I was worried I’d be over working you Baekhyun-sshi but I knew you would agree.”

Baekhyun continues to smile and nod, not having a clue what the director was going on about, Chanyeol continued to be immobile next to him.

“Right since that’s all settled, let’s go ahead and start. Chanyeol-sshi, you’ll be on the grass with Baekhyun between your legs. We’re starting from page 234, scene 28.”

Baekhyun is aware of every point of his body that comes into contact with Chanyeol’s as he folds himself between his outstretched legs. Chanyeol is leaning back on his palms, waiting for Baekhyun to settle himself.

Baekhyun has his arms wrapped protectively around himself to avoid any accidental touching. He can feel Chanyeol’s breath on his neck as he sits between his ex’s legs. Before he can take in a deep breath he feels Chanyeol’s lips at his ear.

“Relax Hyun-ah, it’ll be over before you know it. You got this."

Years of familiarity with _that_ voice and the nickname have Baekhyun relaxing immediately. He turns with a small grateful smile except Chanyeol is already looking ahead, away from him.

“ACTION!”

Chanyeol has never been so conscious of his own heartbeat. He feels it thumping way too hard in his chest, he’s sure that Baekhyun can probably feel it against his back. He thought he’d be able to handle this, but he forgot the feeling of holding Baekhyun close. He always fit so perfectly in his arms, it felt so right to have him here again that for a moment, he just closes his eyes and lets himself _feel_.

His fiancé’s face flashes behind his closed eyelids and he jolts, jostling Baekhyun, who turns around with a questioning glance. Chanyeol gives him what he hopes is a reassuring smile.

They are still in the same position as they have been for an hour now, waiting for just the right light. Chanyeol’s legs were cramping but he kept still, he knew he would have to deal with the eccentricities of Kim Minseok’s direction, but it’s the the same eccentricity that transformed into award winning art.

“Okay last time boys. Then we wrap up this scene."

“Jinyoung-ah you have to promise to take care of yourself when I’m in college okay?”, Chanyeol says with his head perched on Baekhyun’s shoulder.

“I wish you didn’t have to leave. It won’t be the same here without you”, Baekhyun’s voice is controlled despair.

“I don’t want to leave either, but I must. It’s for our future."

He hears Baekhyun sniffle and he almost tenses at the sound.

“I-I’ll miss you though. I’ll miss you so much."

Chanyeol’s breath hitches and he curses himself harshly in his head. He’s disgusted with himself for how he’s letting the lines between real and reel blur, and so quickly too.

But it feels so good to hear such sweet words fall from Baekhyun’s lips. And it's easy for him to whisper sweet words back, after all, loving Baekhyun was a lesson he had learnt for so long and so thoroughly. It was easy to fake it now.

“I’ll be home soon. You have to take care of your family okay? And eat well. And when I come visit I’ll take you to the city with me."

Baekhyun shifts in his arms to look up at him, and Chanyeol has to harden his heart to not react to the way Baekhyun looks right now. Eyes shining, lips pressed into a pout to match his character, soft hearted, naive Jinyoung.

“You promise? You promise you’ll take me with you?”

Chanyeol is supposed to lean his forehead against his ex now, and as he moves forward he feels Baekhyun tremble in his hold. He’s been so absorbed in his own misery that he didn’t know how it would feel for Baekhyun to be this close to him again, tell him sweet things when he had been the one who had ripped Baekhyun’s heart right out of his chest. His hands shake even as they surreptitiously rub against Baekhyun’s arms to comfort him. He presses his forehead against the Baekhyun's, the skin warm and soft.

“I promise. I promised when we were kids remember? I’ll never ever leave you behind."

Baekhyun blinks and Chanyeol closes his eyes, forehead still pressed against Baekhyun’s. He feels flashes of light go off as the cameramen take some still shots and then Minseok’s voice breaks through his haze. 

“And cut! That's a wrap for this location folks! Let’s pack up.”

Baekhyun moves so fast he’s dizzy when he stands up and away from Chanyeol. He turns away to compose himself, deep breaths in and out.

_Okay_ _Byun_. _You’ve_ done it. _You_ _are_ _a_ _professional_. _The_ _most_ _professional_ _pro_. _Now_ _you_ _can_ _go_ _home_ _and_ _drink_ _wine_ _straight_ out _of_ _the_ _bottle_ _and_ _no_ _one_ _can_ _call_ _you_ _out_ _on_ _it_.

“Great job you two. I could really feel the pain of separation”, exclaims Minseok as he jogs over to them.

Both of them are looking at anything other than each other. Baekhyun recovers first.

“Thank you Minseok-sshi. So we are done for the day?” Baekhyun confirms as he runs a finger under the collar of his sweater. It was suddenly very uncomfortable.

Minseok looks confused. “Baekhyun, we are leaving Seoul to Hadong to film some scenes? You agreed to drive over with Chanyeol?”

“I- what?”, Baekhyun looks at Chanyeol who’s resolutely looking at his shoes.

“In the trailer? I hoped you’d be fine with that since we couldn’t arrange a car for Chanyeol on short notice.”

This time Chanyeol looks up sheepishly. “I uh, didn’t drive my car in today. I hope it’s alright with you Baekhyun?” he asks, rubbing his neck.

Baekhyun nods before he knows what he’s doing and starts walking towards the trailers to get the makeup off.

The two of them are going to drive to Hadong together, in Baekhyun’s compact Mercedes. A nearly four hour drive alone with his ex, Baekhyun muses, as he changes out of his clothes on autopilot. His head is absolutely bursting with thoughts and doubts and overwhelming _fear_.

Four hours alone with Chanyeol, he’d rather die. He’d rather let Yixing beatbox to him with accompanying brain numbing rap. He’d rather give himself a thousand paper cuts and sink into a lemon juice bath.

Baekhyun chuckles dryly at his own wit before the grimace sets in automatically. He grabs his things and walks out to see Chanyeol on his phone. He signals towards his car before walking away. 

_Alright Byun. New plan. No wine. Just four hours of your worst nightmare come to life. Great. Just. Fucking. Great._


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! I’ve made a terrible mistake and left out an entire scene of this chapter when I first posted it. Im adding it now and I hope the ones who’ve already read it will somehow find this scene so that this chapter actually makes sense. I’m so sorry about this.

Baekhyun’s car is a bit like him, Chanyeol thinks as he sits in the passenger seat. It was small, sleek, the black exteriors gleaming under the streetlights and the interiors with their black and red leather plush and sexy.

_Park_, _get_ _a_ _hold_ _of_ _yourself_.

The space is a bit cramped for Chanyeol’s lanky form but it's made better by Baekhyun’s apologetic smile at his discomfort.

He looks over now at the driver and ignores the stirring in his gut. His ex looks completely relaxed, totally in control. The lights from the passing city runs across his face, his downturned chin, those pouty lips, alternately bringing them into relief and shadow. It catches the shine in his soft brown curls. One hand is on the wheel and the other idle on his thigh as they drive along the quiet rural roads.

They’d left Seoul an hour ago but much to his embarrassment, Chanyeol had actually fallen asleep the second they’d pulled away from the set. Baekhyun had laughed at his disorientation when he had finally come to but they’d quickly lapsed into silence again.

Chanyeol clears his throat and he can _see _Baekhyun tense from his peripheral vision. “I uh, saw your last movie recently. It was a great performance”.

There, a safe topic.

“Thank you. It wasn’t too difficult. Hera is very easy to act with”, Baekhyun supplies, eyes still on the road.

“Yeah your chemistry was great”, Chanyeol hates how bland he sounds. But this was so novel, he had all the strikes against him and sat next to him was the man whose heart he had curb stomped on.

He hears Baekhyun inhale deeply and now it’s his turn to freeze. He can sense what’s coming and he doesn’t want to talk about this.

“I never congratulated you, how rude of me. Who’s the lucky guy? Or girl?”, Baekhyun’s voice is perfectly flat, not a single inflection.

Chanyeol hopes his small chuckle doesn’t sound as fake to Baekhyun as it does to his own ears.“Guy. I mean, it’s a guy. Thank you."

He wonders if he should just open the car door and make a leap for it.

“Is he-“, Baekhyun coughs. Both hands on the wheel now, knuckles white.

Chanyeol feels the breath leave his body in a whoosh, his hands fist and he wants nothing more than to answer no. To tell Baekhyun he wasn’t engaged to the man who he cheated on him with. He opens his mouth but when no sound comes he closes it again.

Baekhyun looks over at him with an unreadable expression, nods once and turns back to the road.

Baekhyun pulls into a petrol bunk, parking the car instead of stopping to fill gas. Chanyeol is completely quiet beside him, he’s been quiet for some time now. Ever since he’d asked what he most wanted to know.

Baekhyun needed space, he needed air in his lungs to help him feel like he wasn’t choking on bitterness. He unbuckles his seatbelt and gets out of the car. Chanyeol doesn’t even question him but he’ll be damned if he leaves him thinking his confession is what made Baekhyun pull over.

He leans back down and gives Chanyeol a quick smile.

“I’ve been holding it in since we left Seoul and I’m about to burst. You can get some snacks if you want”, he says jovially as he pulls back.

Chanyeol is staring at him with a furrow in his brow.

When he closes the latch on the restroom door Baekhyun leans back against it heavily, head slamming against the door. The emotions are tumultuous, coming too fast and with too much intensity to pick apart and work through. Foremost is anger, blinding anger at his ex. Anger for cheating on him, anger for letting him walk away, anger for throwing away everything they’d built.

But the rest are just as intense, a sharp betrayal, piercing his heart a hundred times over. The humiliation and embarrassment of being the one cheated on, the feeling of worthlessness. Wasn’t he enough for Chanyeol? Wasn’t his love enough?

His breathing quickens and he viciously tamps down his thoughts. He _absolutely_ will not break in front of his ex again.

Baekhyun relieves himself before splashing some water on his face. He walks back to the car with renewed determination to act nonchalant. He opens the car door to find Chanyeol playing with the stereo, he jolts at Baekhyun’s sudden appearance. He had always been one to jump at the merest surprise. He looks up at him guiltily, like a kid caught doing something bad.

_Like_ _changing_ _the_ _radio_ _station_ _is_ _what_ _you_ _have_ _to_ _be_ _guilty_ _for._

Chanyeol did go and get snacks and Baekhyun notices with resigned sadness that he’s picked up all of his favorites.

“Thanks for these, I haven’t eaten convenience store snacks in years”, Baekhyun gives him another smile.

Chanyeol shifts uncomfortably, as if he now regrets buying all of Baekhyun’s favorites.“I got you strawberry milk. I remember you used to really like it.”

Baekhyun swallows, he liked strawberry flavor so much he’d once eaten strawberries and whipped cream off of Chanyeol’s abs. Chanyeol flushes and Baekhyun feels something shift inside when he realizes his ex is possibly thinking of the same memory.

He starts the car and pulls back onto the highway, not wanting to be on this journey for one minute longer.

Chanyeol is staring outside the window, and since he was distracted Baekhyun takes the time to look over at him. His eyes follow the strong brow, the long linear nose, to rest on those plush lips. He’d always found Chanyeol attractive. Whether he was in his designer clothes or at home in his ridiculously big T-shirts.

He looks away before he can be caught and berates himself for admiring what was not his. What could never be his again.

They were an hour away from their destination when the CD that was playing ended and the next one starts automatically. Baekhyun doesn’t realize what’s playing because it had been so long since he’d even listened to musicin his car, preferring the white noise of news channels.

He used to love listening to music in the car, Chanyeol would announce an impromptu drive at midnight and they’d bundle themselves up and trudge outside to get to his beat up car.They’d drive for hours, listening to music and singing along, Baekhyun perfectly and Chanyeol off key, in it for the fun of it and notanything else.

It had been almost three years since Baekhyun had listened to music in his car, which is why the mixtape Chanyeol had made for him for their second anniversary, was still loaded up.

As the first song starts playing, Chanyeol’s head whips towards Baekhyun so fast it's a miracle he doesn’t give himself whiplash. Baekhyun looks over at him in confusion before the first lyrics start pouring out of his surround sound speakers and he understands.

They’re both quiet, even the rise and fall of their breathing audible in the cramped space. Baekhyun looks away first, after all he was the one driving. But he feels Chanyeol’s gaze on him for long minutes before the other speaks.

“You still have it.” It’s not a question.

Baekhyun doesn’t want to be petty, he doesn’t want to seem like an angry ex but the words flow out before he can stop them.

“Yeah I forgot it was even in there. It’s been so long since I listened to it you know?”

Chanyeol flinches before schooling his features back into normalcy. Baekhyun feels a small spark of triumph at being able to hurt Chanyeol back in some small way. Even if it will never, ever compare to the hurt he has been through.

“I made it for our second anniversary-“

“Yes you did.”

If Chanyeol is surprised at how curt Baekhyun is being, he doesn’t show it. He leans back in the seat, eyes closing.

“So tell me about him.”

Chanyeol’s eyes snap open, he didn’t think Baekhyun would ever want to know about his fiancé. He feels his ears burning in shame and guilt.

“Baekhyun, we don’t have to talk about this. We can talk about films or travel or-“, Chanyeol’s cut off again.

“I don’t want to talk around the elephant in the room.”

Baekhyun was always straightforward, no nonsense, sometimes even clinical in his outlook on life.

“You asked to know Baekhyun. I hope you don’t turn this around and accuse me of throwing my engagement in your face.”

It is Baekhyun’s turn to flinch now. He doesn’t know if it is intentional, but Baekhyun “accusing” Chanyeol of various faults was one of their regular arguments towards the end.

Chanyeol seems to catch on a second too late, putting his hand out unthinkingly to rest on Baekhyun’s over the gear.

Baekhyun pulls back as if burned, both hands coming to rest on the wheel.

“I didn’t mean it like that.”

This time Baekhyun looks at him and Chanyeol recoils from the anguish in his eyes.

“Can’t you see I’m trying Chanyeol? What more do you want from me?” Baekhyun’s voice is flat, devoid of emotion, but his eyes give it all away.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. For everything. You must know how sorry I am Baekhyun-ah."

Baekhyun tenses again at the endearment thrown around so casually. Why can't he ever understand what Chanyeol was thinking? He feels lost and confused, his heart aching.

Baekhyun doesn’t reply and it doesn’t go unnoticed, but they had already reached the next destination without either realizing.

Minseok is already standing in the lobby waiting for them, Baekhyun striding forward and Chanyeol trailing behind him.

“You both made it in one piece! I was concerned that the always punctual Byun Baekhyun was running late”, Minseok says, no hint of reprimand in his tone.

“I’m sorry Minseok-sshi. I got distracted by the snacks in the convenience store”, Baekhyun’s armor is back on. Tone polite, shoulders relaxed. If anyone asks, the last three hours simply didn’t happen.

“It’s already late, so we won’t film anything today, but we have first call at 6:00am tomorrow morning.”

Baekhyun almost sags in relief. He can take the night to pull himself back together, tie up all the loose ends Chanyeol had unraveled in the last three hours.

He says his goodbyes to the director after taking his room keys. Chanyeol continues following him, his silence echoing in Baekhyun’s head.

Baekhyun reaches his door and puts his key card in when Chanyeol calls out to him. When he turns he sees Chanyeol’s hands on the door right next to his.

His face is a study in misery.

“I’m sorry. I know it doesn’t matter how many times I say it, it doesn’t change anything. But I still care about you Hyun.”

Baekhyun feels his heart break apart into a thousand pieces, each sharp fragment coming back to pierce his soul. He almost wishes he can see blood seeping out of his skin, a physical manifestation of how he feels inside, as if his entire being is draining out of him.

He looks down so Chanyeol can’t see his tears, flowing unchecked down his face. He steels his voice.“Goodnight Chanyeol. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

With that he lets himself in, and closes the door before lying face first on the bed and letting sobs rack his small body.

Chanyeol wakes up disoriented, turning to run his hand across the cold empty bed. Usually his partner would be right there, and he’d wrap an arm around him and pull him close.

He’s always hated waking up alone. 

But as the morning light filters through the windows, the events of last night finally break through the haze of sleep and Chanyeol groans. Covering his face with his hand as the conversation with Baekhyun comes back to him. God he is such a fool. Such a sadistic bastard to put Baekhyun through this.

He rolls over and checks his phone. 2 missed calls from his fiancé and one message from Sehun which simply read ‘Don’t do anything dumb, dumbass’. 

Well. At least he has the support of his friends.

Chanyeol takes a quick shower before changing into his usual gym clothes and walks out of the room only to almost walk into Baekhyun. His ex stumbles but rights himself before giving him a small smile.

“Good morning Chanyeol. Did you sleep well?” his voice is so soft but Chanyeol cannot look at his face without feeling guilt ripping his insides to shreds. 

It’s clear Baekhyun has been crying, his eyes puffy and swollen, nose still red. Not to mention, he looked like he hadn’t slept for a second, darkness smudged under his eyes.

Baekhyun smiles again, this time putting out a hand to touch his arm for the briefest of moments. 

“Nothing a little concealer won’t fix Park, so you don’t have to look like someone kicked your puppy.”

_Then_ _why_ _does_ _it_ _feel_ _like_ _someone_ _has?_

Chanyeol shakes his head to clear his thoughts and smiles back at Baekhyun. It is painfully evident that the other was trying to move past what happened yesterday and he wasn’t going to be the one to stop him.

“Do you want to grab some coffee before we start?”, Chanyeol asks as they fall into step beside each other.

“I’m sure there’ll be lots of food on site. It’s already 5:45”, Baekhyun is busy tapping into his phone as he replies.

“Ah, of course. We need 15 minutes to walk downstairs and across the road.”

Baekhyun just looks up at him with a roll of his eyes and Chanyeol feels his lips tugging up of their own volition. 

Minseok greets them at the lobby again with two travel cups of coffee.

“My boys! Always on time. How I’d love to just have both of you acting in all my projects”, Minseok booms as he hands over the coffees. 

Baekhyun looks over at Chanyeol with a deadpan expression and the laugh bubbles out of him before he can stop it. To his relief Baekhyun only gifts him with a smile, before trailing out behind Minseok. 

Chanyeol takes deep breaths, he can do this. If Baekhyun can forgive him after last night, he’ll do his damned best to not make another minute uncomfortable for either of them.

He’d been told to remove his engagement ring before coming down for filming and he thinks that’s already one step to making Baekhyun less hostile. Although he resolutely ignores how the missing weight around his ring finger feels strangely freeing. 

The cast and crew walk the streets of Hadong-gun until they find a rice paddy field. The crew begins bustling around to start preparing for the shoot and the two actors are quickly escorted to the wardrobe trailer to be outfitted into their clothes for today’s scenes. 

Baekhyun is handed a soft cotton shirt two sizes too big for him and work pants. Chanyeol gets an outfit that looks like it could be straight from his own closet, a graphic tee, ripped jeans and a raggedy hoodie. When Chanyeol comes out dressed he catches Baekhyun’s smirk and knows he’s thinking the same thing. 

He allows the dark and seedy corner of his mind to admit that he’s missed this. Baekhyun and him always seemed to have an almost cosmic connection, always knowing what the other was thinking, laughing at their own jokes which made sense to no one else. From the very moment he’d seen him he’d been attracted to him like a magnet, the force was so natural and the frisson of passion that flared had too quickly become all consuming. 

Maybe that’s where they went wrong, Chanyeol muses as he sits back in the makeup artists chair. They burned far too brightly to sustain that first spark, letting the flames burn them to embers before they even knew what was happening. 

Once they both had their makeup done, Chanyeol having to put on headphones to avoid listening to the makeup artist scold Baekhyun for crying last night and Baekhyun’s weak excuse of watching a tear jerker to help him sleep, they both make their way over to Minseok.

“So this is the first visit back from the city for Eun Woo, he’s already met his parents and he’s come to find Jinyoung in the fields. You both know the rest yes?”, Minseok asks handing Baekhyun a scythe. 

“Yes. This is cool” says Baekhyun brandishing the scythe around as if it were a lightsaber. Minseok steps back in alarm as Chanyeol bursts into laughter.

He realizes he hasn’t laughed this much in such a short period of time since the breakup and it sobers him.

“Right. So you’ll run into his arms _after _you’ve dropped the scythe”, Minseok reminds, eyes narrowed at Baekhyun.

Baekhyun waggles his eyebrows at Chanyeol before walking to his assigned spot. 

Chanyeol feels like breaths are easier today, Baekhyun hasn’t said or even looked at him with anything less than amusement. It feels like none of the awful things that transpired between them was real, that they’re just two rookies, madly in love, getting to act together.

Chanyeol’s heart yearns for the future he could’ve had, regret a shameful prick to his heart. He’s brought out of his reverie by the touch of a makeup artists hands on his face blotting out any sweat. 

Baekhyun was swinging wildly at someone else’s crops with his new favorite toy, a few assistants eyeing him warily. 

Chanyeol smiles and waits for Minseok’s signal to start walking towards Baekhyun. He’s supposed to walk halfway before hollering at Baekhyun and wait for Baekhyun to come to him.

At the directors shout, he begins sauntering forward.

“Jinyoung-ah! Jinyoung!”, he yells as he swings his backpack off. 

Baekhyun looks up with his eyes bright, before dropping the scythe and leaping on to the mud road. Chanyeol’s heart stutters at the sight of Baekhyun running towards him with so much joy on his small face, his hair bouncing with every step. 

“Chanyeol! Catch him!”

Chanyeol jerks out of his sudden daze only to have Baekhyun slam into him, toppling him over. His back hits the ground and his breath is knocked out of him as Baekhyun lands on his chest. Before he even knows what’s happening Baekhyun rears up, and a laugh bubbles out of him without him realizing. 

“Geez, Yeol, what’s wrong with you?”, Baekhyun chuckles, legs straddling Chanyeol. 

The nickname clears the confusion in his brain and Chanyeol grins toothily, a faint blush on his cheeks. 

Before he can say anything though Baekhyun has scrambled off and was holding out his hand to help him up. He takes it and let’s Baekhyun pull him to his feet. He huffs out a laugh when he realizes Baekhyun is still smiling amiably, brushing off his pants.

“Chanyeol my boy, please focus. Take two people, places!”, comes Minseok’s stern voice through the megaphone. 

Chanyeol waves an apology and walks back to his position, waiting for Baekhyun to skip back to his. 

This time he’s prepared. When Baekhyun jumps up, his arms go around his ex effortlessly. Baekhyun wraps his legs around Chanyeol’s waist and buries his head in his neck. 

“Stay like that for the stills boys.”

Baekhyun’s weight is familiar to him, he is almost too comfortable in this position. When Baekhyun speaks his lips move against Chanyeol’s neck, sending shivers along his body. 

“I’m sorry you have to hold me up like this Park. I have to start dieting again heh”.

_You’re_ _perfect_.

The thought is abrupt and unwanted and it shocks Chanyeol into loosening his hold. He corrects himself before Baekhyun can slip.

“You’re still a skinny brat Byun, this is nothing”, Chanyeol says around the guilt clogging his throat. 

“Alright Chanyeol, you can put him down. That was fantastic. Very natural. We’ll move on to the scene in the paddy field where they’ll talk about the past few months.”

The director’s words are a relief to Chanyeol who quickly lowers Baekhyun down and turns away to compose himself before the next take. 

Baekhyun is in his element, nothing can ever burst through his bubble when he was working. They have been sitting on the paddy field’s edge for the last two hours, working and reworking the scene until Minseok is finally satisfied.

He doesn’t want to admit it but Chanyeol has improved exponentially in his acting. He has more control over his expressions, his smile doesn’t slip out too often like it used to when they were just starting out and he is far more confident in front of the camera. 

Baekhyun knew at least some of it was his doing, he would never stop making them practice at home, rehearsing their lines over and over again till he’d be saying them in his sleep. And so it was no surprise that seeing him now, a far better actor than he’d been, brought a spark of pride to Baekhyun’s heart. 

They were sitting on a ledge, Chanyeol’s feet planted firmly on the ground and Baekhyun’s legs dangling.They had a small break before their next scene and were content to spend it just sitting for a while. 

“This is kinda nice right?” Chanyeol ventures, looking at Baekhyun out of the corner of his eye. 

Baekhyun takes a deep breath before answering. He’s made up his mind to be civil today, to stop drowning himself in his own feelings. 

He has to protect himself and the only way to do that was to simply pretend that nothing had ever happened between them. Chanyeol was another costar and that was it.

But it was harder to practice than it was to plan. 

“You mean acting together?” he asks warily.

“Yeah. I’ve always wanted to. It was one of my biggest dreams actually.”

Baekhyun turns to look at Chanyeol to see some hint of sarcasm but it’s just the face he has missed, open and honest, eyes flashing nothing but goodness. His thoughts dry up as he realizes just _how _much he’s missed his ex. Chanyeol was always his anchor, unfazed by the various storms in their life, his one constant. 

For a moment his heart soars at the thought of possibly getting to have him in his life again. Surely they could try to be friends?

“Yeah, mine too actually.” 

Baekhyun is rewarded for his honesty with a smile that could rival the sun that was beating down on them and the chains around his chest loosen a little. 

He closes his hands into a fist before proposing his plan, the fear of rejection looming like a monster in his mind.

“Hey, Chanyeol?”

Chanyeol turns his body to give him his full attention. He’s always been like that, Baekhyun remembers. Whenever he was talking he’d always have all of Chanyeol listening. 

“We’re going to be working together for a while. And we have all this history. And I-“.

Chanyeol’s eyes were widening with every word out of Baekhyun’s mouth but his expression was inscrutable. 

“Work is the most important thing for me. And I don’t want anything to make me give a less than perfect performance. So maybe we can try burying the hatchet so it won’t interfere with our movie?”

Baekhyun doesn’t notice that the lights in Chanyeol’s eyes dim considerably because his smile stays bright as ever.

Chanyeol slightly bumps his shoulder against his. “Of course Hyun. This movie is gonna be great.”

Baekhyun exhales and turns to smile at his ex. “Thanks Yeol.”

Chanyeol has to look away because he can’t look at Baekhyun’s face when he was smiling at him like that. 

The other looked so ethereal in the moment, he wonders if his secret dreams had conjured him up. The loose white shirt display both of his collarbones, almost slipping off one smooth shoulder. The sunlight is forming a halo around his brown curls. But that smile, it nearly undoes Chanyeol right there. 

His heart aches when he realizes it was his fault that he couldn’t claim this beautiful man as his right here right now, that he couldn’t lean forward and press his lips against those stunning collarbones the way every cell of his body wanted him to. 

He’s interrupted from his disastrous thoughts by Minseok who calls them both over for the next scene. Chanyeol takes a few shaky breaths to remind himself of his situation, his _engaged _situation before standing up and helping Baekhyun. 

Baekhyun looks at his face for a few seconds longer than necessary, confusion written all over it. “You okay? You don’t look so great”, he asks softly.

Chanyeol feels hot and cold all over, suddenly having Baekhyun’s friendly smiles and caring concern was almost too painful. At a point it was the only thing he craved. He used to crave his boyfriend’s attention even as said man was right next to him on their bed. 

“Chanyeol? Earth to Chanyeol!”, this time Baekhyun slaps his arm lightly, effectively pulling Chanyeol out of his own mind.

“Ah sorry. Sometimes I get distracted,” he says sheepishly. 

Baekhyun simply smiles widely at him again before turning to find Minseok. A few of the set assistants were looking at Chanyeol a bit strangely, further pushing color into his already warm cheeks. 

He shakes his head to physically clear the train wreck his mind is today before pulling out his phone to call his fiancé.

The day was perfect according to Baekhyun. Not a single hitch and they had filmed all of the scenes required in this location, which was a considerable chunk of the first part of the movie. He was alone, stretched out across one of the beds in the actor’s trailer.

Since he is alone, he can allow himself to think about the events of the day without feeling like he was doing something wrong, even if the nagging feeling in the back of his head was warning him to stop before he gets hurt again. 

Baekhyun himself doesn’t know what made him ask Chanyeol to try being friends, he wishes he could be fully truthful in thinking it was just for work. But he knows it is really just selfishness. After missing Chanyeol for five years, after having his entire life turned upside down by him in a matter of days, he wants just one small piece of the man he once loved. 

Just having Chanyeol look at him, smile at him, purposefully mess up takes just to make him laugh was acting as a balm to his battered heart. 

Were all exes supposed to be like this? Shouldn’t he want to drive his Mercedes over Chanyeol for all he did to him?

The previous night, between wrenching sobs, Baekhyun had realized he still didn’t hate Chanyeol as much as he should. The man had taken up real estate in his heart eight years ago and the space he’d left had flourished instead of withering. 

And the way they’d been with each other today only made everything worse, or better. Depending on how one chose to see it. 

Chanyeol had praised him endlessly after every scene, totally in awe of his acting. They’d eaten lunch together with Minseok, laughing and gossiping about their old projects and coworkers.

After lunch Chanyeol had disappeared, only to return with a bag full of freshly steamed red bean buns that he had walked for half an hour to find just because it was Baekhyun’s favorite.

Baekhyun smiles remembering how proud Chanyeol had looked of himself when Baekhyun accidentally let out an excited squeal at the sight of the fish shaped bread.

If this is how Baekhyun can have a small sliver of Chanyeol in his life, bringing unexpected smiles and laughter, he’d push through the pain to get it. After all, the reason Baekhyun had stayed single all these years was in no small part due to not finding anyone who affected him as much as Chanyeol had. 

He feels good about his decision, as he scrolls idly through his phone, chuckling at Yixing’s mother hen text messages. A knock on the door gets his attention and he looks up to see Chanyeol’s head popping through the gap.

The smile is instantaneous and Baekhyun wonders how amazing it is that his heart can forget all the bruises after one day of dazzling smiles and bursts of laughter. 

“Hey, Baek? Minseok wants to wrap up today with celebratory beer. He thinks I’d be better at convincing you and also then it doesn’t seem like workplace harassment”, says Chanyeol, grin firmly in place.

Baekhyun can’t help but laugh as he gets up and walks to the door. A beer with the crew would be the absolute perfect end to this day. 

“I have to drive so I’ll only have one”, Baekhyun says as he grabs his wallet when he suddenly remembers something and turns to look at Chanyeol. But of course his ex has remembered the same thing and is looking at him already, grin maniacal. 

“You almost killed us both! I told you not to have that third beer!”, he says through loud guffaws. 

“It was the ahjumma’s fault! She came out of nowhere!”, refutes Baekhyun bristling. 

“Baek she- she had a walker”, Chanyeol’s hand comes out automatically to smack against Baekhyun’s back as he almost doubles over in laughter. 

“Oh shut up, Park. Everything was fine and I was the one who tucked your sorry ass into bed that night.”

“That’s not all you tucked into my ass that night.”

The laughter stops abruptly as Chanyeol realizes what he’s said, both hands flying up to cover his mouth. He iss resolutely not meeting Baekhyun’s eyes, his own looking pained. 

Baekhyun is surprised again as he realizes he doesn’t feel much anger at his ex’s callousness. When they’re laughing like this, it doesn’t feel so bad to hash out the past. 

He reaches out to place a small hand on Chanyeol’s arm and smiles when it isn’t shaken off.

“See? I told you I wasn’t that drunk”, Baekhyun smirks. 

Chanyeol looks over at him with a grateful smile. “We’re really gonna do this then? Be friends."

Baekhyun pretends he doesn’t hear the hope in each word. “Yeah Park, now don’t get all mushy on me. You’ll be doing that after the beer anyway."

Baekhyun laughs as he dodges another smack, they bicker all the way back to where the rest of the crew have gathered with beer and snacks. 

“Boys! Over here, I’ve got two special seats just for you”, calls out Minseok as they near him. 

The two go over to join the director who already seems a bit too tipsy for it to be just one beer’s doing. Baekhyun covers a laugh as he realizes the award winning director is blushing under his scrutiny, pink tinging both his cheeks. 

“Ah, we’re taking the bus back so none of us are driving”, Minseok explains as he hands them their own beers, embarrassment clear in his tone.

“Don’t worry Minseok-sshi, your secret is safe with us”, Chanyeol assures the man with a clap to his back. 

Baekhyun can’t help the warmth he feels at what a nice person Chanyeol is, always trying to make the people around him comfortable and content. 

They take their time sipping their cold beers, the yeasty, mellow taste exactly what he wants on this humid, summer evening. He can’t remember the last time he’s had a drink for the sake of it, only drinking when making important deals or pretending to enjoy fancy dinners which he loathed.

Laughter came easily as the costars and director riffed off each other, talking about embarrassing first performances and box office debacles. 

Evening was settling around Hadong, cicadas chirping in the distance as a light breeze ruffles Baekhyun’s hair.

Their set was in the middle of two large fields, the growing grains fluttering lightly in the wind. They’d made camp at the center of the wide dirt road that ran through them, coolers and blankets abundant as cast and crew took the much needed time to unwind.

He felt so at peace in this moment, the heartache of the previous day barely memorable. Not when the dying sun was casting a golden glow across Chanyeol’s face, the man laughing uproariously at some joke, almond eyes crinkling in the corners. 

As if he could feel Baekhyun’s gaze, he turns and gives him another mesmerizing smile, dimple out to play, and something in Baekhyun’s chest tightens. 

They finish their beers and snacks leisurely, night falling by the time everything is packed up. Baekhyun is still sober, having stopped himself after the first beer but Chanyeol is definitely tipsy, not allowing Minseok to drink alone once Baekhyun was finished. 

Baekhyun smiles fondly as he sees his ex try to get his limbs to coordinate before reaching out a hand to help him off the low boulder he had been sitting on.

“Thanks Hyun”, the words are just at the start of slurring. 

“Yeah yeah Mr I’m Not a Lightweight. Let’s get you in the car”, Baekhyun says with a light tug towards the direction of his car. 

That seems to sober Chanyeol enough for him to steady himself, grin slipping off. “I- That’s alright Baekhyun. You can go ahead.”

Baekhyun is confused, he assumed he’d take him back since he’d been the one to drive them there. “Are you going to come in the bus? I thought there was no room,” Baekhyun asks. 

“No. No my um, my fiancé is coming to pick me up”, Chanyeol’s neck flushes deeper with every syllable.

Baekhyun feels like ice water has been poured on him, clearing his delusions of the day. 

Chanyeol is engaged, they were exes, his partner was coming to pick up him. It was as if the trauma of yesterday had simply made him turn a blind eye to their reality, sweeping him away in the breeziness of their day. 

Chanyeol is looking at him with a forlorn expression, one hand hanging in midair as if he wasn’t sure he was allowed to comfort.

_And_ _was_ _he?_ _When_ _he_ _was_ _another_ _man’s_ _fiancé_?

Before Baekhyun can say anything a car horn sounds loudly in the still night time air. Chanyeol jerks towards it but the driver of the car has already stepped out and was walking towards them.

Baekhyun takes a step back as shock drowns his system, his hands trembling already.

The man is beautiful, one of the most beautiful men he’d ever seen. Slight in build and height, his features having an almost feminine softness. He comes towards Chanyeol and puts both arms around him, wrapping him in a hug.

Baekhyun cannot process this, cannot maintain eye contact as the man disengages himself and turns to smile politely at him. 

Because yes, the man was beautiful, but what has Baekhyun’s feet feeling like lead and his heart just as heavy is the striking, almost comical resemblance to himself.

If anyone saw the two of them together, at a glance they could pass for twins. 

Baekhyun’s ears are roaring so it takes a couple minutes for Chanyeol’s voice to filter through. 

“Uh Baek this is my fiancé Luhan, Lu this is Byun Baekhyun.”

Baekhyun can only smile back shakily, he feels weak kneed and fragile, as if one more word would shatter him completely. 

The man, Luhan, smiles prettily, his large bright eyes not showing anything other than a pleasant curiosity.

_Does_ _he_ _not_ _know_? _Is_ _that_ _even_ _possible_?

“It’s nice to meet you Baekhyun sshi, I’m a big fan!”, even the voice is perfectly saccharine. 

Baekhyun’s entire body is screaming at him to leave, to remove himself from this situation. “I- yes. Thank you. It’s nice to meet you. Chanyeol I’ll see you on Wednesday. Have a safe drive back.”

He doesn’t register their goodbyes, doesn’t pay attention to the various crew members telling him to drive safe. 

He walks to his car on autopilot, unlocks the car and gets on to the highway before he even realizes it.There are no tears, surprisingly. Only a blinding fury, betrayal a burn in his chest. 

By the time he reaches the halfway point to his house his hands have finally stopped shaking.When he reaches the Seoul river he’s calm, hands clutched tightly around a fading CD.

He might have signed away his time to Chanyeol, promised to try being friends with Chanyeol, but he’ll be damned if he let the memories of their past wreak havoc on him like this.

With a broken sob he pulls his arm back before launching the mixtape into the inky water below.He turns back around to his car before the splash of the CD can even be heard.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Eeek! The reveal! I’m very very nervous about this chapter and I feel like it’s lacking but I also don’t hate it so idk??? Please do let me know what you think! I love talking to you all. Thank you for giving this fic a chance 🥺💕


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello friends! I know this took absolute ages and for that I’m truly sorry. Before I say anything else though, I apologize for leaving out an entire scene in the last chapter, for those of you who have read it and felt confused, Ive edited it now and I hope you’ll give it a glance for things to make sense! 
> 
> If you’re all caught up, this chapter is slightly different from the others. I hope you guys enjoy and as always I would love to know what you think! 
> 
> Last but not even close to least I’d like to thank J for being the best beta anyone could ever ask for. She’s upped my writing game by eons and I love her dearly! Okay sorry for rambling happy reading!

The cool water of the pool feels glorious as it sluices across his skin, but his mind is still in disarray as he completes his daily laps. After his usual hundred rounds he exits the pool and walks over to the lawn chair, wrapping a towel around his body. 

It had been a week since he’d last seen Baekhyun and Chanyeol was beginning to lose his mind. Everyday was a battle between paying attention to his present and future with Luhan and drowning in the past, memories of Baekhyun a constant cacophony in his head. 

He groans thinking of his fiancé, who was currently not talking to him and had been sleeping in the guest bedroom ever since they came back from Handong.

Luhan had been silent on the car ride back, friendly facade dropping as soon as Baekhyun was out of sight. He had never been secretive about his disdain for Chanyeol’s ex and had barely believed his promises that there were no unresolved feelings between the two. He’d quizzed Chanyeol relentlessly about any new developments, demanding to know why he was drinking with his ex, unwilling to hear that the crew of twenty people were also drinking with them. 

Chanyeol gets off the lawn chair with a growl, anger and confusion swirling. He hated when Luhan got like this, ridiculously petty and insecure every time he acted with a new costar. The anger didn’t last long though, not when he remembered the cause of his fiancé’s fears, they both knew the age old adage, _ once a cheater... _

The dark thoughts don’t leave him as he stands under the warmth of his shower, letting the hot water drum against his back as every terrible decision he’s made plays like a highlight reel in his mind. He sighs as he remembers the old days, when things were so simple and Baekhyun and him were so in love.

Chanyeol had been the one to pursue Baekhyun, relentless in his quest to get a date. He had been entranced from the moment he’d seen the boy, all quick smiles and big gestures.

He’d bring his favorite candy bar to every audition on the off chance that they’d meet, he was the first person to send flowers when Baekhyun’s debut in a play got a stellar review. 

After two weeks of giddy phone calls and shameless flirting, Baekhyun had agreed to go out with him and Chanyeol swears he fell in love with him that very first night.

They came together like they were destined to, preordained by much greater powers than that of mortals. Chanyeol loved Baekhyun with his whole being, he’d do anything for him, give up any part of himself.

He was there for him when his father died, cradling a devastated Baekhyun as the latter howled in grief on the hospital floor.

He was there to distract him when he didn’t get the part he wanted, once with a picnic, complete with checkered blanket on their shoebox of a balcony. 

Once with a bathroom full of candles, tub filled with rose petals. They’d lain there till the water had cooled, only getting out when their silly tickle fight escalated to lustful caresses and greedy lips on still damp skin. 

For the first two years of their relationship it was pure bliss, to the point where their friends would ask them not to come to group dinners because their perfect union was putting a damper on their own lackluster love life. 

Baekhyun had always been generous with his love, looking at Chanyeol like he had hung the moon and all the stars himself. Especially when he wasn’t looking, letting his love shine like a beacon through his eyes. He’d make the silliest jokes to make Chanyeol laugh, and was always ready to give him a back massage after a bad day. He taught himself to cook from scratch, knowing Chanyeol missed his mother’s home cooking. 

They’d lie together, a tangle of limbs, heads resting on chests, tracing patterns on each other’s skin as they whispered to each other about their dreams and fears and all the inconsequential things in between. 

Each day was filled with limitless love, laughter a constant in their tiny cramped apartment, one they’d bought together after their first anniversary. 

They promised each other the world, even though they were already each other’s worlds. 

“Chanyeol, you’ll never leave me right? I know I make it hard sometimes, but you’ll never stop loving me right?”

“Hyun-ah, I don’t know how to not love you. I don’t exist without you. You’re the kimchi to my rice baby.”

Chanyeol had gone on to kiss away the groan falling from Baekhyun’s mouth. But he had paid extra attention to him that night, worshipping his skin and telling him how much he loved him, voice desperate and hoarse.

“Sehun? Are you free?”, Chanyeol’s tone was bleak.

“Chanyeol is everything alright? You don’t sound good.”

“Could you come to the bar we used to go to tonight?”

He could sense the hesitation from across the line, he knew Sehun was extra busy these days with Milan fashion week coming up.

But he'd just found out that the personal issue that had kept Minseok busy the past week was resolving and that they’d had to resume shooting two days later. 

“The one in Hongdae?” Sehun asks distractedly. He was in the middle of a photo shoot and only picked up because he hadn’t heard from his friend once in the past week.

“Yeah. I just need some time away from home right now.”

Again there’s a grating silence. Chanyeol can hear the various noises of a set but waits patiently for Sehun’s answer. He needs his best friend right now, he needs someone, anyone at all, to look at him without ill concealed hatred. If for a few hours at least.

“Of course hyung. Is eight fine?”

Chanyeol lets out a breath he didn’t know he was holding, grateful as always for his friend. 

“Thank you Sehunnie. I’ll see you then,” he hangs up and lounges back on the couch. 

The dark mood that had taken over him since returning from Handong was only getting worse, leaving him constantly on edge. 

Luhan had been picking fights every night, as if he hoped that if he riled him enough Chanyeol might suddenly erupt and reveal some sordid secret between him and Baekhyun. 

He seemed to get more and more frustrated when Chanyeol stayed calm, repeatedly assuring him that he was being too suspicious. They’d been in a sort of stalemate since, talking but barely and ignoring each other for most of the day. 

Chanyeol isn’t too worried however, they have these fights all the time, reconciling eventually. They’d scream and rage and break their expensive decor only to have a war of silence before one or the other caved. 

Chanyeol forgets about most of their squabbles, but sometimes when he’s lying next to Luhan, and he lets the dark, twisted part of his mind take root, he knows this isn’t right. That they shouldn’t wage war against each other one minute and then bury the harsh words and harsher insults under sweet lies and sweeter promises. 

Promises they were bound to break again. 

It was eight months into their relationship and Chanyeol can’t remember the last time he was this content. It was a lazy Sunday morning and his boyfriend was spreadeagled on the bed. 

He watches Baekhyun whimper softly in his sleep in response to his end of the blanket slipping away. Watches as he turns so his face is pushed up against Chanyeol’s broad chest, nosing it until he finds a comfortable spot before letting out a satisfied sigh.

Chanyeol could swear that he’s never loved anyone this much, never wanted to give everything he was and ever will be to another person this badly. He reaches out to trail a finger down a slender arm. He can feel the outline of newly appearing muscle, the results of his partner’s sudden dedication to fitness. He leans forward, trailing his lips across a smooth shoulder. 

Staying over was new, but Chanyeol knew that he was already addicted to waking up next to Baekhyun. This was something he wanted everyday, maybe even for the rest of his life.

He curses himself, surely it was far too early to be thinking of something so permanent. 

His anxious thoughts are curbed by the press of soft lips on his skin, Chanyeol looks down to see his boyfriend mouthing his way up his bare chest. Their lips meet softly, chastely. Chanyeol can feel Baekhyun’s smile against his own. 

“Good morning.”

“It is now.”

Baekhyun groans before pulling away and putting some distance between them. “You can’t do that Chanyeol. You can’t be this cute when I’m not even fully awake yet.”

Chanyeol only chuckles before kissing the his neck, licking over the bruises he left the night before. “What can I say Byun? You bring it out in me.” 

“Mmh do I now? Maybe I should show you just how much I appreciate it then.”

Chanyeol’s breath hitches as slender fingers wrap around his length, hot lips laving against his neck. But just as Baekhyun has a rhythm going his ringtone blares loudly, the peace of the lazy morning vanishing instantly. 

Baekhyun scampers off Chanyeol without a word, running across the room to get to his phone. 

Chanyeol’s sigh of frustration is unheard as he slumps back on to the mattress, knowing it will be a while before Baekhyun returns. 

When he finally does, Chanyeol’s heart lurches again. Because his boyfriend’s smile right now could rival the sun trying to filter in through their curtains, his eyes were shining and Chanyeol can only offer a weak accompaniment as Baekhyun jumps up on to the mattress.

“That was Hoyeon! I got it! I got the part Channie!”, Baekhyun was bouncing on his haunches, giddiness and exhilaration increasing with every second. 

“That’s so great baby! I knew you’d get it. I told you didn’t I?”

“Yes I know but you always say that! Oh Channie do you know what this means for us? What this means for _ me _?”

Chanyeol keeps quiet because Baekhyun wasn’t really expecting an answer. He was already pacing around the room, his body thrumming with too much energy to be still. This was going to be his big break. The movie was being directed by a legend of the industry and was already set to be a mega hit. Baekhyun had prepared for his role for months before the audition. 

“For starters we’d be out of this dingy cramped place. God just imagine babe! We could get an apartment in Cheongdam or Apgujeong!”

Chanyeol wants to say that he loves this apartment, the first thing they bought together when they knew this was something serious, something important. But this was Baekhyun’s moment and he’d be damned if he put a damper on it. “I’m so excited for you Hyun-ah.”

“We’ll get all new clothes and oh my god our social standing is completely going to change. We’ll finally be in the circles with actual directors and producers Channie.”

Chanyeol just smiles as he sees his boyfriend twirling about their bedroom, picking up random objects and putting them back down.

“Remember that guy who said he was a talent scout but basically wanted us to film porn?”

Chanyeol laughs at the ridiculous memory, he’d never seen a man have so many bottles of jelly and body glitter. 

“Why are you laughing Yeol? I’m being serious. This is what I’ve been waiting all my life for. I’ve finally done it!”

Chanyeol gets up now and walks over to Baekhyun, wrapping arms around him to keep him in place. “I’m so proud of you Hyun-ah.”

Baekhyun beams up at him, his eyes shining before filling suddenly. 

“Hey hey. Baby what’s wrong?”, Chanyeol asks in alarm as tears slip down. 

“No one believed in me Yeollie. Not my parents or friends. You’re the only one who did.” Baekhyun’s voice is so soft.

Chanyeol lowers his head until his forehead is pressed up against Baekhyun’s. His heart feels so full of love at the moment it was a miracle it didn’t burst right out of his chest. 

“I believe in you Baekhyun. I believe in us.”

“I love you.”

“I love you too.”

“Baekhyun you need to get out of bed.”

“Mmpphh.”

“Baekhyun, why would you even pick up the phone if you were just going to mumble incoherent noises into it?”

“Mmmpphh.”

“For God’s sake that’s it. I’m coming over. I’ll see your sorry ass in 20 minutes.”

Baekhyun let’s the phone drop out of his limp hand and on to the floor, not caring in the least if it breaks. One less source of disruption. His manager threatening to visit him wasn’t doing anything to motivate him to get out of bed. 

Because Byun Baekhyun doesn’t do anything half assed. When he’s working he wakes up at 4:00am and when he’s trying to piece back the heart he thought couldn’t be broken again, he stays in bed for five consecutive days. His only constant company was an almost empty bottle of vodka staring at him in derision. 

The first night was a blur. He didn’t know how he even drove himself back home but before he knew it he was cradling a half empty Grey Goose and his hands were shaking. 

The second day he went out to buy two more bottles of vodka and a double pack of cigarettes. The last time he’d smoked was when he found out that the man who’d cheated on his mother was on his deathbed after a short but painful battle with cancer. He smoked a cigarette in honor of his dad and all his flaws. And he had gotten drunk to forget that the last words he’d said to his father were to get out of his sight. 

By the third day Yixing had left twenty missed calls on his phone and there was only one bottle of vodka left. Baekhyun was sure he had thrown up the lining of his stomach multiple times over. And yet when he stumbled to his bed and closed his eyes, Luhan’s face was still imprinted on the back of his eyelids. 

After that, the days started blurring together, Baekhyun ate whatever was in his sparsely stocked pantry and let his hair become grimy with dirt. Every cell in his body was protesting his behavior, and yet they lost out to his devastated heart. 

He lies down on the floor of his penthouse and lets the memories both attack and soothe him. Harsh words and soft kisses. Pupils blown wide from desire and shifty, suspicious eyes that would refuse to meet his own. Soft tender touches and constantly feeling alone and cold in his own bed. 

He remembers the man who serenaded him with his beat up acoustic. The man who was always ready to offer a word of comfort, a warm shoulder to lean on. The man who kissed away all his fears of abandonment and then brought his worst nightmare to life. 

The vodka burns all the way down his throat and Baekhyun is glad. Glad he’s capable of some feeling at least. His fingertips are numb, as is his face. The tears had stopped a long time ago, leaving trails of dried up salt and sorrow. 

When the bottle crashes from his hand on to the floor, pieces splintering all over, Baekhyun doesn’t react. He closes his eyes and lets the alcohol take away the pain. 

Their first Christmas together _ has _ to be unforgettable. This is the mantra constantly playing in Baekhyun’s head as he runs around the grocery store, frantically throwing items into his cart. Chocolates, peas, a single turkey leg. In they went with no real consideration for their part in Baekhyun’s master plan. A master plan he had to come up with in all of thirty minutes when Chanyeol announced that his bus ticket back to his hometown was cancelled, meaning he’d be staying back in the city this year. 

Since food is obviously the least important part of Christmas, the trolley was already at its tipping point with a whole host of trinkets. Two cakes, one chocolate and one cheesecake, yards of tinsel and string lights, a wreath, a million stocking stuffers and Baekhyun’s favorite find: a matching set of the most ridiculous, stupidly tacky Christmas couple sweaters. One sporting the head end of a reindeer, complete with three dimensional light up nose, and the other its bum. He couldn’t _ wait _ to see Chanyeol in it. 

Baekhyun manages to open their front door with his eight grocery bags, bells jangling as he pushes his way in. His mouth drops at the sight in front of him, the delicious smell of fresh bulgogi wafting from the kitchen. 

Chanyeol was in the kitchen, looking harried and just a bit too overwhelmed. He has something cooking on all four burners and was trying to ice a small cake at the same time. Baekhyun feels his heart clench painfully at the sight of icing smeared across his boyfriend’s cheek. 

He walks forward slowly, his smile threatening to split his face into two. Chanyeol hasn’t realized he isn’t alone anymore, muttering to himself as he checks on the manduguk. Baekhyun decides not to be subtle as he loudly drops the bags onto the floor, startling his partner so much that Chanyeol jumps a foot in the air, cursing loudly as soup sloshes out of the spoon he was stirring it with. 

But before he can yell at Baekhyun, he finds his lips preoccupied and insistent hands slipping under his shirt. Baekhyun quickly pulls away though, wary of burning any of the food Chanyeol has worked so hard on. He turns off the stove and promptly places the side dishes and cakes into the fridge as a baffled Chanyeol watches on. When he’s cleared the kitchen to his satisfaction he wraps his hands around Chanyeol’s wrists before dragging him over to their couch. 

“You made bulgogi.”

“Uh? Yes? Why are you being so weird?” Chanyeol asks, genuinely confused.

“I bought cheesecake. And dumplings for manduguk,”, Baekhyun beams, chest feeling heavy from the force of his love. 

“Oh well we clearly have too much cake then Baekhyunnie.”

Baekhyun squeals internally at how precious his boyfriend was being, at how utterly clueless. “We both decided to cook dinner and make this holiday special for the other person.”

Chanyeol looks at him like he’s the dumbest person to walk the earth. 

“Uh, yes? Because we are boyfriends?”

Baekhyun doesn’t want to ruin this moment. He doesn’t want to get into the details of how his last happy Christmas was so long ago that the memories are blurry with age. His father would often choose to spend Christmas with his other family and whenever he did spend it at their home he was sullen and angry and snapped at him and his mother for everything. 

That he was hell bent on making this Christmas perfect because he wanted just one good memory of the holiday. But of course, _ of course _ Chanyeol would not be sulky about not getting to go home. Of course his amazing, unbelievable boyfriend would cook all his favorite foods and bake a damn cake because, even without being told anything, he always knew what would make Baekhyun the happiest. 

Baekhyun leans over and gives a still very much confused Chanyeol a loud smooch. He jumps up and puts on Let It Snow on the speakers and begins a whirlwind of activity decorating their small apartment. Tinsel goes up in lopsided loops, string lights wrap around every wall and their bright pink Christmas tree almost sags under the weight of hundreds of baubles. 

Within the hour their house looks like it’s been hit by a Christmas tornado, complete with fake snow spray. Chanyeol has been sitting on the couch, eyes sparkling along with the lights as he sees his boyfriend run from corner to corner trying to festoon every inch of the place in holiday cheer. But nothing can prepare him for when Baekhyun bounds out of the bedroom wearing the most ridiculous sweater he’s ever seen. 

“Channie look! Couple sweaters! You get to be the bum!”, Baekhyun’s smile was maniacal.

“Oh yes Hyun-ah. I can see. And I am not wearing that.”

Baekhyun’s expression falls in a second, eyes drooping and lips forming a pout. He shuffles over to Chanyeol before landing dejectedly on his lap. 

“Yeollie~ You have to.”

Chanyeol wishes he can steel himself against his partner when he’s got that pout but the urge to give in is far too strong. Baekhyun senses his hesitation and leans in for the kill. 

His breath is warm against the shell of Chanyeol’s ear. 

“If you wear the sweater now Yeollie, I’ll let you take mine off later tonight.”

And so they sit down to dinner in matching reindeer sweaters, giggling like schoolboys as Chanyeol regales Baekhyun with stories of his childhood Christmases. He was still bitter about his pet ferret getting more presents than him one year. 

Baekhyun wants to frame this moment forever, the bottle of wine they had opened giving the night a fuzzy glow. He’s sure this is the best bulgogi he’s ever eaten. That Chanyeol’s face right now, under the glow of their myriad fairy lights, is the prettiest vision he’s ever seen. Chanyeol looks over at him then, eyes crinkling and dimple deep and Baekhyun feels almost dizzy with adoration. 

They sit under a blanket on the couch, legs tangled as they laugh along to Shrek. They were not a Christmas movie kind of couple. And as the credits roll Chanyeol gets up and starts playing Christmas music again; he walks over to the overhead lights and turns them all off until they’re bathed only in the soft pinpricks of the Christmas lights. He comes over to Baekhyun and pulls him up, eyes twinkling. 

They waltz in their cramped living room, Baekhyun’s head pillowed against a warm, broad chest. Chanyeol has him pressed tantalizingly close and he’s never felt so safe and cared for in another person’s embrace. When his boyfriend’s cold hands slip under his sweater he gasps but is quick to reach in and touch some skin for himself. 

They shuffle awkwardly to their bedroom, clothes slipping off with each step, both refusing to stop kissing each other to make the journey easier. By the time Chanyeol has Baekhyun pinned to the mattress, he is panting, breathless in anticipation. 

Chanyeol can give him maddening pleasure and strong thrusts. He can give him gentle caresses and intoxicatingly dirty words. 

Tonight it’s a little bit of everything. 

Baekhyun is moaning deliriously as Chanyeol licks fire down his skin, his nerve ends sparking as his boyfriend dips his tongue into every indentation on his body. He arches up as Chanyeol sucks harshly on his hipbone, it was sure to bruise. 

“So pretty Baekhyun-ah. So pretty for me.”

Baekhyun can’t speak, can’t think as he feels himself being stretched open with the utmost care. It brings tears to his eyes to think of how Chanyeol is always so, _ so _ gentle with him. As if he were made of the most precious porcelain.

Chanyeol’s lips never leave his skin, he laps at it, sucking the soft flesh into his mouth and grazing his teeth over the sensitive parts. He curls his fingers around Baekhyun’s hands even as he pins them over his head, thrusting into his boyfriend, achingly slow. 

When Baekhyun comes he screams, ecstasy flowing through his veins. When Chanyeol comes, he buries his neck in Baekhyun’s shoulder, crying out his name like a prayer. 

They lie together, spent and satiated. Chanyeol always cleans them up, pulling Baekhyun close immediately, unreasonably clingy after sex. 

Baekhyun knows words don’t have to be said into the silence they have now. It’s comfortable and calming. It gives him the reassurance he’s been chasing his whole life. And yet he has to let Chanyeol know how much he means to him. 

“Yeollie? Are you asleep?”

A muffled groan and a graze of lips against his neck tell him that his boyfriend is still awake, if barely. Baekhyun squirms, suddenly nervous. The way he always gets when he’s vulnerable.

“I just- I just wanted to thank you Yeol. For today. It’s uh- it’s the best Christmas I’ve ever had.”

Chanyeol tightens his arms till Baekhyun is flush against his chest. “Then I promise to make all of your Christmases even better than this one Hyun-ah. This is just the beginning.”

His boyfriend’s voice is drowsy with sleep and yet filled with so much conviction that it causes Baekhyun’s heart to beat erratically in his chest. He’s never stayed with the same person for more than a few months, deathly afraid of giving away too much of himself only to have them reject him eventually. And yet he can see all the Christmases ahead of them, all the ordinary days in between.

Chanyeol’s unbreakable faith in their relationship gives Baekhyun a foothold in the chaos that was his life, a guide rope out of the cursed chasm that was his past.

He knows that if he has Chanyeol by his side he can do anything he sets his mind to. And Byun Baekhyun already had many, many dreams he’s determined to make come true. 

As he slips off into sleep, surrounded by the warmth of his boyfriend, he thinks that he’ll only be this happy if he has Chanyeol by his side as he conquers his dreams.

That none of this would matter if he didn’t have Chanyeol to come home to at the end of the day. 

None of it would matter at all.

Hongdae is just as electric as Chanyeol remembers. He used to visit the bars here all the time, either with Baekhyun or Sehun, all three of them loving it’s more relaxed and liberal vibe. 

Instead of being in a mood to celebrate or even just relax with some beer, Chanyeol feels sick with self loathing. As he slips into the booth at one of his favorite haunts he’s instantly reminded of Baekhyun. They’d had a couple birthday celebrations here, tossing back shots and getting progressively more touchy as the songs got more sensual. Sly touches under the table, sneaky kisses while they told their friends they were getting drinks, Baekhyun’s hands being _ everywhere _ as they clung to each other on the dance floor. 

Chanyeol shakes himself out of the haze, unable to do a single thing these days without his mind slipping to his ex. He orders a beer and then thinks better of it, asking for a scotch on the rocks instead. 

Half an hour after he was supposed to be there, Sehun walks in with all his casual grace and icy beauty. Several eyes turn to follow his path almost immediately and, true to self, Sehun doesn’t even spare them a passing glance. 

Chanyeol is quiet and somber as Sehun orders their drinks, the scotch only fueling his melancholy. He can’t get the voices out of his head. Luhan had screamed bloody murder at him only hours prior, tears streaming down his pretty face. 

How does he manage to hurt everyone he cares about? How can anyone care about someone as despicable as him?

“Hyung? Chanyeol?”

Sehun’s voice takes a minute to reach him and he drags his bleary eyes up. He was the one who wanted to talk but now, faced with the prospect of turning his last confidant away makes him tremble with fear. 

As always Sehun somehow knows what’s rioting through his mind. He wraps a slim hand around Chanyeol’s much thicker one and rubs soothingly. “I’m not going to judge you Yeol. Come on, talk to me.”

“It’s Baekhyun. It’s always Baekhyun, Sehun. I’ve fucked up. Again.” His words are staccato, each one painful to his own ears. 

Sehun’s gaze softens almost immediately. He scoots until he has one arm wrapped protectively around Chanyeol’s shoulder. “Yeol, you never did tell me what really happened between you and Baekhyun hyung...”

Chanyeol slumps his head forward, despair in every line of his body. There was no use running away from it anymore. No use hiding it from his best friend when all his demons were making their way to the surface. 

He needs Sehun to understand, needs him to tell him that he fucked up but at the time he didn’t know how bad and that it was okay. That he was redeemable somehow. That he didn’t deserve to be torn apart every day from terrible guilt and desperate longing. 

He downs the remains of his scotch to bolster his courage before turning to face his life long ally, perhaps the only one who could help him feel even slightly absolved of his sins, since the one who could truly give him salvation would rather walk away from him altogether.

“Shit. Shit you’re right. You’re gonna hate my guts Hun. But I’ll tell you everything.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You can yell at me on twt at exhoechanbaek. Talking chanbaek is my literal favorite thing plus I have a lot more fic content there! Come say hi! <3


	5. Chapter 5

It had been two years since they’d gotten together, the fireball of passion that blazed when they first came together had cooled. Chanyeol had been perfectly happy at first, glad that the full force of their initial days had become a more constant simmer of affection. He hadn’t first noticed the distraction that constantly plagued Baekhyun, leaving him slightly out of it at all times. But now it was all he could focus on.

It’s a Tuesday afternoon and Baekhyun has been home the entire day. Chanyeol stands at the kitchen and watches as his boyfriend stares at his laptop screen, the blue glow of his deep sea wall paper reflecting on his face. He clenches his fingers around the cup and tries to keep the tears at bay.

Baekhyun hasn’t said one single word to him all day and that’s when he realizes it. The only reason they have been talking the past few days is because Chanyeol keeps up a constant stream of inane chatter. Baekhyun always responds if talked to, he’s still just as sweet and wry as he always was. Chanyeol never thought that if he stopped trying one day the house would sink into silence, Baekhyun’s restless tapping the only noise in the rambling penthouse they’d bought a few months ago.

It was gradual. Repeating sentences till Baekhyun heard them, forcing fake enthusiasm for another party Chanyeol didn’t want to go to, nights when Baekhyun would roll over and fall asleep the second Chanyeol pulled out of him. Chanyeol would clean them both up, the sweat drying on his body making him shiver under the cold air without his boyfriend’s body there to warm him up. Chanyeol has been quiet, knowing Baekhyun tended to withdraw into himself under duress. He has been quite because the times Baekhyun comes back to him are so piercing, the first lungful of air when you feel like you’ve been drowning. He gets showered with attention and praise, Baekhyun hangs on to his every word and kisses him as if Chanyeol’s lips are the only thing he needs, like even breathing pales in comparison.

Chanyeol takes a deep breath before setting his cup down and walking over to the couch. He leans forward and presses his lips to a warm nape. “Hi love. Everything okay?” He hopes his voice is steady.

Baekhyun shivers at the touch on his skin, closing his laptop and turning to loop his arms around Chanyeol’s neck. “Yes. I- it doesn’t matter. Let’s go to bed.”

Chanyeol blinks at the unexpected reaction, he was sure that Baekhyun would gently divert him from the question before isolating himself in his study for the rest of the night.

He forces a smile on to his face and runs his hands down Baekhyun’s side. “It’s barely seven thirty Hyun-ah.”

Baekhyun pouts and reaches up until their torsos are flush. “Please Chanyeol. I need you.”

Chanyeol lies still, letting Baekhyun come down on his length with eyes closed and a flush steadily creeping down his chest. There haven’t been any kisses, no fervent touches or whispered confessions of devotion. Baekhyun has thrown him down and impaled himself on him before he could utter a single word. Tears rush in when Chanyeol realizes what this is, a quick distraction, something for the pain.

“Chan, touch me. Touch me, please.”

Chanyeol touches him the way Baekhyun loves, grazing nipples and squeezing at his hips before stroking his cock. Miraculously, they come together, Chanyeol already leaning away to grab the tissues and adjust to the cold. But Baekhyun slips off and cleans them both up with unfaltering tenderness, kissing up Chanyeol’s chest till he reaches his lips. The press of mouth to mouth is perfect, soft and generous and Chanyeol’s heart can barely take the swift change of atmosphere.

Baekhyun presses his face against a sweaty neck and wraps his arms around Chanyeol till he hangs off him like a koala. Chanyeol can’t slow his heartbeat, it wasn’t accelerating like this even when he was seconds from coming. But now, under the deluge of Baekhyun’s ardor, he feels like he’s soaring again.

“I love you Channie. I love you so much.”

Chanyeol feels the tears on his neck before he hears the first sniffle. He lies there and rubs his hands up and down Baekhyun’s back, letting his skin absorb the salt and sorrow. He knows words won’t help Baekhyun right now, he has often bit back at him for comforting him with encouragements. Eventually Baekhyun quiets down, kissing all the way up his neck, tasting his own tears till he pushes them into Chanyeol’s mouth.

“You save me, every time. You’re the only thing keeping me afloat.”

Chanyeol kisses back, entranced by Baekhyun as he had been from the very start. Body and soul handed over knowing he had Baekhyun’s heart in his hands.

They fall asleep curled around each other, letting pain paint their dreams, fitfully gripping at each other because letting go is unfathomable, impossible.

Baekhyun wakes up disoriented and with a stake going through his brain. He winces as the pain overwhelms him, forcing him to lie back down. Thinking is an impossible task at the moment, getting his bearings together comes in snippets. He knows he’s in his own house but has no recollection of how he got into bed. 

He’s in a pair of fresh pajamas but the last he remembers he was covered in his own vomit. The image has him gagging immediately; he hauls himself over the side of the bed only to be faced with a small bucket clearly placed there for this exact purpose.

Once he is sure the nausea has passed, he gets back into bed with a weak whimper. He wants to scream, wants to kick himself for letting it get to this point but even keeping his eyes open is a Herculean task. So he settles back down, shame and anger roiling in his stomach.

“Oh you’re up. I was two seconds away from calling the ambulance. I’ve never seen a human being actually sleep for two straight days,” Yixing’s voice carries both reprimand and concern.

Baekhyun just moans weakly, he feels like he’s been run over by an army tanker, body sore and throat parched. A cool trickle of water slips past his chapped lips as Yixing gently tips his head back and let’s him drink from a small bottle.

“Not too fast boss, slow down or you’re just going to throw up again,” Yixing says with practiced calm.

Baekhyun heeds the words instantly, knowing Yixing is right. He leans back on the pillows and waits for his manager, assistant, and only real friend to explain what exactly he walked in on.

“You were unconscious. I got our usual guy to come check you out and he said it’ll be fine once the alcohol is out of your system. He didn’t think pumping your stomach was necessary.”

Baekhyun nods, urging him to continue. Dr Seo was on their payroll and wouldn’t breathe a word to the media, who would go into a frenzy if they knew just often their beloved Byun sshi got into alcohol fueled blackouts. 

“I carried you into bed, checked your vitals every couple of hours, called the maid service for whatever the hell it was you decided to do to your house,” Yixing’s steady soft voice was getting edgier.

Baekhyun doesn’t talk back, he didn’t deserve to get any words in recompense right now, he’s been doing this to Yixing for years.

“Baekhyun I’m begging you. You’re just thirty two. You have your whole life ahead of you and you’ll find someone else and this whole Chanyeol thing will be a distant memory one day.”

Will he? Will he find someone to love him with his myriad faults? His tendency to shut everyone out when he was struggling, quick to anger, quicker to tears. Chanyeol had looked past it all, he’d let Baekhyun claw at him like an angry animal while raining kisses down on him. Drowning his anger and misery with endless, endless love.

And in the end he’d let him slip right through his fingers.

“Go back to sleep. I’m not going to give you any painkillers for obvious reasons. You can shower and I’ll have soup ready for when you’re up,” Yixing says as he brushes a hand through his sweaty, dirty hair.

The lights go out and so does Baekhyun, eager to get back into the temporary solace of sleep.

“Baekhyunnie! Baekhyun! Where are you?”, Chanyeol can’t hide the excitement in his voice as he searches through the apartment for his boyfriend. 

He walks from room to room until he finally spots Baekhyun sitting at the bar with another man next to him. His costar in the movie they were working on, Chanyeol realizes as he awkwardly stops at the entrance.

“Oh Chanyeol! I didn’t hear you come in. Would you like to have a drink?” Baekhyun’s voice is cool and detached. His recent default in the presence of company.

Chanyeol shakes his head softly, watching the stranger size him up.

“I need to talk to you Hyun-ah. Could I have a minute?” he urges Baekhyun with his eyes to follow him. Just for once, to put social construct aside and come away with him when he asks. 

Baekhyun’s eyes flit between his drink and his boyfriend, unsure of what to do and loathing himself for it. In the end he elegantly clears his throat and picks up the snifter of brandy. 

“Joon-gi will be leaving in just a moment Yeol. Why don’t you join us for a drink and we’ll talk later hmm?”, Baekhyun says with a smile for his guest.

Chanyeol feels the excitement drain out of him in one fell swoop, he holds the script he had wanted to produce with the two of them as leads tight enough to crumple as he backs out of the room. He knows Baekhyun would want him to be polite and courteous, put on a show for this stranger that wouldn’t matter to either of them once the movie was wrapped up. But he’s at his limit and he couldn’t gather enough enthusiasm to pretend otherwise.

He walks into their bedroom and gets into bed still in his day clothes, heart fissuring under months of this treatment. In that moment if someone asked him who he was to Baekhyun, the single love of his life, he wouldn’t be able to answer them. The thought fills his head till it bursts into a well of tears, ones he muffles under the covers lest the company should hear. That wouldn’t look nice at all now would it?

A few hours later Chanyeol is finally on the edge of sleep, clutching the comforter tighter around him when he feels the bed dip with Baekhyun’s weight. He waits with bated breath for what comes next but there’s only a soft rustling as Baekhyun slips under the covers.

When he finally feels a soft brush of lips on his shoulder and a whispered apology, he convinces himself it’s a dream. 

The bar is packed now, the after work crowd mingling with the chaebol heirs who like to go slumming in Hongdae during the weekends so they can have an exciting story to tell by their infinity pools back home. Chanyeol is one scotch down and the alcohol helps him bolster enough courage to catch Sehun up to the year where everything had fallen apart. 

He listens patiently as Chanyeol starts at the beginning, the silent nights turning to weeks without either of them talking. The distance that started as a crack soon becoming an uncrossable chasm, thwarting his every effort to find his way back to his boyfriend. The worst part being that it wasn’t always bad, in between all those periods of hurt and darkness, there were weeks when _his _Baekhyun emerged from the actor Baekhyun. 

Nights spent wrapped in each other, a tangle of limbs so tight it would be impossible to separate them. Waltzing in the living room, skinny dipping in the pool and squealing like teenagers when wet hands found hot flesh. It was one of those times, those brighter than sunlight and star shine times that Chanyeol had gathered enough strength and hope to go out and buy an engagement ring. 

Through all the fights, through all the cold nights, Chanyeol knew he could never let Baekhyun go. He would take the silence, he would take the anger and spite and he’d turn it back into love. Pour his devotion into their relationship until he could turn back time. 

Park Chanyeol would burn the earth to its molten core if it meant he could find Baekhyun in the ashes. 

“Lu was a lawyer. My manager had hired him for a defamation suit we were fighting against some magazine”, Chanyeol starts shakily. Luhan had breezed into his life when he was at his lowest point. It didn’t hurt his trampled pride to know that he was still attractive to someone, still _wanted _by someone.

But in the beginning of it all, none of this was even on his radar. Luhan was his lawyer and had no space in his mind after five pm. He didn’t know how the man had gotten his number, never giving his personal line to mere acquaintances. 

“Baekhyun was in this period drama, his character was dark and doomed and he would bring it back home. I used to wait for him to fall asleep till I went into the bedroom, that’s how afraid I was of upsetting him when he was in such a fragile headspace.”

Sehun nods, urging him to continue his sordid tale.

“The first time Luhan messaged me, I hadn’t talked to Baekhyun the whole day. I don’t even remember what it was about now. It wasn’t anything scandalous. Just a funny meme or something,” Chanyeol murmurs, speaking was proving to be far more difficult than he had anticipated.

It was the first time he had smiled the entire day, some silly cartoon about some politician or the other. He had kept his reply curt and cool, knowing Luhan had shown him more than one signal.

Over the next few days it only continued to grow. Chanyeol was in between projects, Sehun was busy with his own and he had never managed to make friends in an industry he loathed. The goons who had haughty titles, producers and directors who were filled with ruthlessness and gluttony. The industry which had ripped his Baekhyun away from him.

Luhan became his only source of human interaction. Baekhyun was overseas, his messages sporadic and his phone calls nonexistent.

“We talked for two months, and I swear Sehun I swear to you I didn’t even touch him. It didn’t even cross my mind I- fuck I never meant to,” Chanyeol is gasping for air.

A few patrons turn around in their seats but the dim lighting coupled with an oversized hoodie and low snap back gives Chanyeol the anonymity he needs.

“Shh hyung. I believe you, come on. I’m here for you okay? If you want to stop now just stop. I can see where this is going,” Sehun’s voice is soft but grim.

Chanyeol flinches at the biting reply, but his chest is still heaving under the weight of so many unsaid words. He can’t get into the nights where he felt so utterly alone, a ghost in their shared home. A toy for Baekhyun to use when he was craving warmth. But how could he take all the warmth from Chanyeol and not give so much as a single spark in return?

“We had a horrible fight,” Chanyeol continues with a shuddering breath. “Threw stuff at each other, fuck it was crazy. I went to a bar and got trashed. I was trying to call Baekhyun but got Luhan instead.”

“Makes sense, you weren’t talking to hyung much,” Sehun comforts.

Chanyeol looks up and is awestruck anew at how open Sehun’s eyes are, not a single etch of disapproval or judgement. He was here to listen, to be a friend and the sentiment has Chanyeol gripping the other’s hand tighter.

He remembers those first mistakes vividly, the crunch of the broken vase under his shoes as he stormed out of the house, Baekhyun’s beautiful voice saying the most vile things, his own returning it with vicious barbs.

The bar with its sticky counters, martinis generous with vodka, various men and women trying to hit on him and then giving up when he didn’t so much as look up from his drinks. 

It was when the room started spinning that he fumbled on his phone to call Baekhyun, to come pick him up, to kiss him and tell him they’ll be okay.

Instead there was Luhan, looking like he had just ran all the way over to the bar from his apartment in Sinsa. He had looked alarmed at the sight Chanyeol made, but quickly rushed in to help him, ignoring his protests that he was fine.

The kiss tasted like vodka and regret. Like heartbreak and guilt.

But he was drunk, he hadn’t been touched in months, hadn’t been held in longer.

When Luhan’s tongue pushed into his mouth, Baekhyun’s face flashed behind his inebriated eyelids and he had wrenched away from the man’s hold.

“I hated myself. I felt like the most disgusting piece of shit in the world Hunnie,”, Chanyeol whispers.

The waitress arrives and places their food on the table. Chanyeol pushes it away immediately, the idea of eating was unthinkable.

He had told Luhan that he’d call him the next day before hastily hailing a cab. Within minutes he had to tell the cab driver to pull over so he could empty his heaving stomach on to the side of the road. By the time he reached the apartment he felt hollow, as if his very soul had seeped out.

When he went inside Baekhyun was sitting on the couch, curled in on himself, small enough to look like a child. Chanyeol felt his heart rending in two, felt his chest cave in when the guilt washed over him in tidal waves.

“I wanted to confess immediately Hun, tell him I was drunk, that I was trying to reach him and that I would never ever hurt him on purpose,” Chanyeol besieges, eyes brimming.

Baekhyun had jumped up from the couch as soon as he stepped forward, running to him and locking his arms around his neck.

“I was so scared Channie. I’m sorry I’m so fucking sorry. I love you so much I’m so sorry.”

Chanyeol could feel the sobs locking in his throat. Instead he pressed his boyfriend, the only person he’s ever loved, close. He buried his face in Baekhyun’s warm neck and silently begged for forgiveness, tears dripping down until Baekhyun’s collar was soaked.

They don’t know how long they stood there, intertwined and finally,  _finally_ feeling whole again. And if Baekhyun smelled a cloying scent that didn’t match his boyfriend, he kept it buried and quiet.

“I couldn’t say anything then. I know I’m a fucking coward. But he was so happy to see me Sehun, I hadn’t seen that expression on his face in so long. I just wanted to see it for a little longer,” Chanyeol’s voice is broken. He knows this next part is so much worse than everything he’s said so far. 

He didn’t speak to Luhan for weeks after the kiss. After a text apologizing for his behavior he even deleted his number. Their fight seemed to have reinvigorated their love. Baekhyun came home for dinner every single night no matter what happened on the sets, the same man who wouldn’t eat for days if it meant they could finish filming faster. 

Chanyeol slowly let the wall of despair and fear he’d built around himself crumble, letting Baekhyun back in with welcoming arms. 

And Baekhyun seemed to realize he was being given something, Chanyeol’s arms a reprieve from all the bitterness he’d spewed at him in the past year. 

“We had to meet of course, the suit was on going. He apologized, he told me he liked me too much to ruin our relationship. He proposed a friendship,”, Chanyeol says taking a sip from his scotch.

He looks up and even through the crippling pain flooding his mind right now, he cracks a smile at Sehun’s deadpan expression. It was a startling burst of normalcy in this dark conversation.

“I know, I know. So fucking stupid. You always knew your hyung was an idiot,” Chanyeol quips half heartedly.

“Well, at least you’re right about something. Eat this one bite of chicken,” Sehun says, holding his chopsticks out. Chanyeol only then realizes that his best friend has been subtly feeding him as he broke down and his chest fills with love.

They started talking again, and it seemed like friendship really was the only thing on Luhan’s mind. Baekhyun would look at him with a quizzical look whenever he smiled too much at his phone or left the room to take a call. But he never asked and so Chanyeol never divulged.

It increased in frequency when Baekhyun got another new role, a short film that had him traveling to Japan for two weeks. Chanyeol was preparing for his next big release and was glad to have someone to rant to. Who won’t tell him how lucky he was to be an employed actor and to be quiet about the small inconveniences.

Luhan would listen to his smallest complaints, his most boring workplace stories. And he didn’t push the lawyer away, even when formal turned to friendly turned to flirty. When periods were replaced with kissing emojis and texts were replaced with video calls.

They were friends and only friends, he repeated to himself like a mantra. Even when guilt started niggling at him again, he pushed it down, they weren’t doing anything wrong. He didn’t like Luhan the way the other liked him, he’d lost his heart to a brash boy with a loud laugh in a waiting room years ago.

“I don’t understand Yeol,” Sehun interrupts. “It seemed like everything was fine. What happened?”

Chanyeol’s grip on the glass was white knuckled, he let out quick breaths, a sinner on judgement day.

“Another fight. Baekhyun hadn’t called me in weeks, I kept telling myself to let it go. To remember that we were in a good place,” Chanyeol rasps out. “Then I saw the headlines, Baekhyun partying with his costar. This one picture where he was- he was-“

He can’t go on. Especially knowing that Baekhyun had never actually gone any further than that badly timed photo, he wasn’t the one who broke unspoken vows.

“I couldn’t look past it. I thought we were moving forward and he was back to ignoring me while partying. I drank myself into a rage, started yelling the second he stepped into the apartment.”

Harsh words, cutting and biting into hearts as they screamed at each other. Baekhyun brought up the constant texting, Chanyeol reminded him of the months of being treated worse than the goddamn help.

Baekhyun set his face in a grim line and asked him who’se name was on the lease, whose fame had catapulted both into this lifestyle. 

And that’s when Chanyeol snapped.

“Fuck you Baekhyun. I have been nothing but a thorn in your side since your big break. I’m so fucking sorry for not making as much money. I’m so fucking sorry for waiting around for you like a love sick puppy when you don’t give two shits about me,” Chanyeol had screamed.

Baekhyun had jolted back at the stream of accusations but he couldn’t say anything in rebuttal. He knew he had placed their relationship on the back burner. But he had to make something of himself, prove to everyone who doubted him that he could not just make it, but excel at it.

“I was there for you from day one, I stood back and let you treat me like trash because I love you Baekhyun. I would fucking die for you and you don’t care at all do you? All of this is more important than I am,” tears were freely streaming down Chanyeol’s face now.

“That’s not-“ Baekhyun had said shakily.

“Well you can have it. You can have your big penthouse and your lucrative movie career and your work parties. Even more so since I’ll be out of the way.”

“Yeol-ah please-“ Baekhyun was sobbing now trying to hold him back as he left the house without even a jacket for the brutal cold of a Seoul winter.

The drive had been over in minutes, blurred as his vision was from alcohol and gut wrenching grief. He felt like he had left a piece of his being back in the apartment with Baekhyun.

He didn’t have any family or friends in the city with Sehun out of town. Was it to anyone’s surprise that he sought Luhan out?

Luhan had cradled his head on his shoulder as he cried, big wracking sobs that were ceaseless. It seemed like an eternity later when he finally calmed down. Luhan had stroked his face soothingly, bringing tissues and tea till he felt like a semblance of himself.

He didn’t even register the hand crawling up his thigh until a pair of lips were pushed against his own. Chanyeol had jerked away only to have Luhan pull him back and crash their lips together again.

“Baby, trust me. I will make you feel so good. I’ll take care of you now. It’s over with him right?”

Was it over? It was just a fight right? It couldn’t be over can it?

The alcohol was swirling in his mind, making his responses sluggish. He was tired, exhausted from always closing himself off, letting the pain fester until it burst forth the way it had in the apartment. And right now, with his brain befuddled with too many emotions, it was so easy to give into insistent hands and roving lips.

An involuntary moan escaped his mouth as Luhan started palming at his groin, massaging roughly until his length began to harden. Luhan began kissing up his neck, open mouthed, teeth nipping out to bruise.

He didn’t remember the last time Baekhyun has touched him but his brain is screaming at him that this isn’t right, this didn’t even _feel_ right.

He watched with sunken eyes as Luhan dropped down to his knees and mouthed at his cock. There was no pleasure here, no thrill or elevation of heart rate. There was just confusion, a debilitating sense of wrongness.

It’s when Luhan took him in his mouth that Chanyeol’s mind finally reacted, he immediately sat up straighter and pushed Luhan’s head away as gently as he could.

He couldn’t look at his face right now, so he took the cowards way out, what’s one more infraction when a life sentence was hanging over his head.

He didn’t stop when he heard Luhan calling for him, telling him that he would wait for him. He had walked out of the high rise in a daze, the drive this time around was more sure footed. He clutched the steering wheel as the reality of what he’d just done crashed over him. The trembling started soon after. 

He checked into the nearest hotel, robotically moving through the transaction. When his hit head the pillow he fell into an instant sleep. As if his body simply couldn’t hold out anymore, couldn’t take another second of the torture inflicted on his broken heart and tarnished conscience. 

Chanyeol laughs at the absurdity of it. On the eve of finally letting all his demons out of the closet, he finds himself in another hotel. He couldn’t face Luhan now, not when he had dragged up their depraved past, their numerous mistakes. Not when it felt like their relationship felt like one big blight. 

Sehun had been as steady as ever, wrapping him in his arms outside the restaurant and letting him cry. His parting words echoed in Chanyeol’s head in an endless loop. 

“Hyung, I don’t know what to tell you. And this might seem fucked up of me but I can’t let you go without saying this-“

Chanyeol had frozen on the spot, abject horror at whatever Sehun could say. 

“You don’t love Luhan. You’ve never loved Luhan and this wedding, it’s a joke Yeol. Just, think about that. And- and don’t hurt Baekhyun hyung any more than you already have.”

Chanyeol had been struck speechless, body tense as Sehun had hugged him goodbye. 

He knew sleep wouldn’t come easy, not even on the plush mattress and down pillows. Especially not when Luhan’s last text message continued to glow on his phone. 

‘Come home Chanyeol. We need to talk.’ 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaaah! That was a monster of a chapter and there were times when I simply didn’t want to write it. But I’m so excited to share this with you guys. As always I apologize for the long wait between updates but I promise you I will never abandon this. I would love to hear your thoughts on this update. Thank you so much for reading and if you want to get in touch I’m online 24/7 on twitter @exhoechanbaek. Thank you again and have a lovely day! <3


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi!!! I cannot begin to apologize for the delay in this chapter but honestly life’s a crazy mess and I am working on SO many fics! That being said, I truly hope you enjoy this chapter. 💖

The apartment was quiet when he finally made it back, well after sunset the next day. He had spent the morning disgusted with himself, retching over the toilet when he remembered Luhan's lips on his skin. It could've been anyone and Chanyeol would have still been repulsed.

His body belonged to Baekhyun. His heart and soul belonged to Baekhyun.

He steps through the penthouse, finally reaching the bedroom. His boyfriend is curled up on the bed, hand clutching a small black box. Chanyeol's heart stutters violently when he realises what it is, buying that ring seems like something that happened a lifetime ago. He lets out a noise unknowingly. 

Baekhyun shoots up at the sound. "Wha- Channie?"

Chanyeol feels like the dirtiest scumbag ever, seeing how Baekhyun still reached for him in half sleep. "Hyun-ah…"

Baekhyun jolts, as if he thought he was still dreaming when Chanyeol came in. "Where have you been?"

Chanyeol doesn't speak, he notices how red and swollen Baekhyun's eyes are, how he clearly slept in the same clothes he came from the airport in. 

"Where have you been, Park Chanyeol?" Baekhyun is suddenly furious. He gets off the bed and stalks toward Chanyeol.

"Hyun- I can explain."

"Start explaining then."

Chanyeol can see how Baekhyun is trembling. "I- I spent the night at a hotel. After...after our fight I just started driving and Sehun wasn't there and-"

His chest caves in when he sees Baekhyun's face soften for him. His boyfriend steps closer and raises a hand to cup his cheeks.

"That's it? You big baby, you just needed some space, I understand," Baekhyun murmurs.

Chanyeol feels bile rising in his throat, he stumbles back. "I cheated."

There's a perfect silence after the words fall out of his mouth. Baekhyun's arm is still in the air, as if he cannot understand why Chanyeol is suddenly far away from him.

Chanyeol didn't want to blurt it out the way he did. But is there a right way to tell someone you've been unfaithful? No matter how he phrases it, it's the same sordid truth. He watches the color leech out of Baekhyun's face. His hand comes down to wrap around his middle, like it was protecting him from what was coming.

"What did you just say?" The crack in Baekhyun's voice belies his bravery.

"Hyun, listen to me. The first time it happened I was-"

"This wasn't the first time?" Baekhyun asks, tears filling his eyes and brimming over.

"It was a mistake baby, the worst mistake of my life," Chanyeol steps forward and Baekhyun immediately jumps back.

"Do I know them?"

"Baek-"

"Answer me, Chanyeol."

"No you don't. And it's not what you're thinking Baek, just listen-"

The first sob escapes Baekhyun's lips. "You- You go and fuck somebody else-"

"I didn't fuck him!"

"Oh? You want to talk semantics? What was it then Channie, second base? Did he suck you off good?" Baekhyun bristles, but it's all too clear his anger is an act. Because tears were freely flowing down his face now. "I thought we were moving forward. I thought-"

"I thought that too. That's what I want. Baek, I was drunk and angry, I wasn't thinking straight. You have to believe me," Chanyeol pleads.

Baekhyun laughs and it's a hollow sound. "Do you know how cliche you sound right now?"

"Baek, please."

"And so what if I believe you? Where do we go from here? Am I supposed to kiss the lips which have been on someone else?" Baekhyun's voice is rough with emotion.

He looks small and tired and there's nothing more Chanyeol wants than to bury him in his arms. To fall to his knees and beg for forgiveness.

"I messed up, Baek. Please, let's talk."

"There's nothing to talk about, Chanyeol. Get out of my house."

"Baekhyun, I'll go. We both need some time to-"

"That's not what I'm saying, Chanyeol," Baekhyun interrupts, looking up at him. Nose red, eyes bloodshot. "And you can take this with you."

Chanyeol barely manages to catch the small box Baekhyun hurls at him. "Hyun-ah…"

Baekhyun just shakes his head at him, his shoulders are slumped. "I'm going out. I don't wanna see you when I come back."

Chanyeol hesitates for a second before striding out and wrapping a hand around Baekhyun's arm.

"Chanyeol, let _go_."

"No. Not until you listen, please, please, please just listen to me Hyun-ah," Chanyeol begs, holding Baekhyun in place.

Baekhyun fights it for a painful heartbeat before letting Chanyeol drag him to the couch.

"Baek, I love you. You have to know that. I feel nothing for Luhan," Chanyeol starts, holding one of Baekhyun's hands in his, too afraid to let go.

"That didn't stop you from cheating on me with him," Baekhyun spits out. "Wait, Luhan? Isn't that the lawyer for your defamation suit?"

"Yes. Baek, I really thought he was just a friend. He showed some interest," Chanyeol swallows at Baekhyun's loud scoff. "I was drunk out of my brain baby and I was trying to get you on the phone."

"Oh wow, is that supposed to make me feel better _baby?_"

"Baek, I'm the worst, I'm disgusting, I know. I didn't sleep with him. The second I came to my senses I pushed him away. After the first time, I even deleted his number."

Baekhyun does not answer, he isn't even looking at Chanyeol anymore, but his soft sobs are hauntingly loud in the quiet of their apartment. “When was the first time?” 

Chanyeol freezes, he didn’t expect Baekhyun to speak. “It was…It was before you left for the movie...That night I left home after the fight.”

Baekhyun lets out a whimper. “That was nearly two months ago, Channie. You didn’t even tell me.”

“Hyun-Ah, you were so happy to see me when I got home and I...I was scared…”

“Scared? Are you kidding me?!” Baekhyun shoves him back with one hand, face twisting in disgust. He looks down, collecting his thoughts. “Why did you...Why did you still keep-“

He breaks off, choking on a sob and Chanyeol feels physically ill. He hates this so much, each second feels like an eternity and he just wants it all to be over. 

“I had to keep meeting him for work and...he promised he wouldn’t cross the boundary again. You have to understand Baek, I was so...lonely.” Chanyeol confesses.

“I _have_ to understand? I have to understand that you _cheated on me_ because you were “lonely”? Baekhyun spits out, eyes hard and unforgiving.

At that Chanyeol bristles. “Am I supposed to be okay with always being an afterthought Baek? Of not having any of your attention? I’m your boyfriend for fucks sake!”

Baekhyun looks away, a muscle twitching in his cheek. He’s never had an answer for why his work took first priority, and he doesn’t have one now.

“I was trying to make our lives better, Yeol. I was trying to make something of myself.” Baekhyun breathes out, anger draining out and replaced with fresh tears between one heartbeat and the next. 

He feels like he’s choking on his own sorrow, he didn’t think this would happen to him in a million years. Infidelity was for movies and dramas, not for him, not for Chanyeol who was supposed to love him despite his flaws.

"Last night I was so angry and so upset, I didn't have anyone to go to. I know that's my fault, I shouldn't have encouraged him,” Chanyeol continues his sordid tale, desperate to get it all out so they can move on.

They had to move on right? They had to fix this. It can’t end like this, this was Baekhyun. Baekhyun and Chanyeol. They were supposed to have a happy ending.

Weren’t they?

"Chanyeol, you're the only man I've ever-" Baekhyun breaks off on a sob. "How could you do this to me?"

Chanyeol's eyes fill too, at how devastated his Baekhyun sounds. "It was like I didn't even exist to you Baek, I thought we were moving forward and I saw that picture and I-"

"That was all it was, Yeol, a badly timed pap shot. But you? God, I can't even be near you right now."

Chanyeol gets on his knees, clutching both of Baekhyun's hands in his, he can barely see from how hard he's crying. "Please, please forgive me. I'll never put you through something like this again. Please, Baek."

Baekhyun gasps, the tears coming too quickly for him to even breathe. "Am I just supposed to believe that? How can I ever trust you again?"

"I love you, Hyun-ah. I don't know how to live without you. _Please_." Chanyeol's voice breaks like glass, because he already knows.

“But you did. You forgot all about me for a few minutes at least, when you were with _him_. Do you love him Chanyeollie?” Baekhyun’s voice wavers pathetically. 

“Of course not, Baek! It was...He was just there for me,” Chanyeol hangs his head, utterly ashamed.

“Right.” Baekhyun laughs and it’s grotesquely morbid. “So what is he to you then?”

To that Chanyeol has no answer, nothing that will make this situation better, to lessen his partner’s pain.

They sit together in the middle of the living room, a space too lavish, utterly empty of personal touches. Baekhyun wants to walk away but he can't. Chanyeol is his best friend, his partner, his lover. Chanyeol chose to replace him, to break his trust.

Chanyeol is still the only person he wants to seek comfort from. 

He sinks down until they are both on the floor. He crawls into Chanyeol's arms, which wrap around him instantly. He can feel Chanyeol's tears splash onto his neck, his own wetting the front of his boyfriend's shirt.

When dawn breaks, Baekhyun's eyes snap open. He feels a painful crick in his neck, unsurprising as he had fallen asleep half on and half off Chanyeol's chest. He takes a second to commit Chanyeol's features to memory, his favorite face in the whole world. 

His eyelids are swollen, skin still blotched. They had not spoken much through the night, just holding each other. Baekhyun feels his soul ripping apart, he doesn't know who he is without Chanyeol, but he can feel his fist curl at the breach of trust.

It cuts his chest open, the pain. The pain of knowing he wasn’t good enough, that he was easily replaceable. When he himself can’t imagine being with anyone other than Chanyeol. 

And for his boyfriend to not even be able to label his affair, to have that door gaping open to be able to go back anytime, it scares Baekhyun to his very core. Would Chanyeol choose to go back one day if he forgave him? The next time he’s busy with work or distracted? Is he to live a life being fearful of never being enough? That one wrong move could send Chanyeol back into someone else’s arms?

Byun Baekhyun is not one to look back, he doesn't give second chances. Even though his heart is fissuring, his anger and betrayal trump his fragile misgivings. 

He slips out of Chanyeol's embrace and after one final look back, he steels his heart and walks out of their shared home. 

Baekhyun's at the set bright and early as usual. He had slept through Minseok's call informing him that they were restarting shooting, but Yixing had been ready for him when he woke up from the mother of all hangovers, aspirin and emails at the ready.

Baekhyun had taken two days at the sauna, sweating out the alcohol and starting to feel like a human again. Now he is raring to go, pumped and nearly skipping when his feet hit the concrete under his car.

Minseok shouts him over as soon as he spots him, waving his director's megahorn in the air. "Welcome back Baekhyun-sshi, today will be a very long day, I hope you are well rested."

Baekhyun nods, "Absolutely sir. I'll head over to makeup and hair."

He puckers his lips for the young make-up artist, Beethoven playing in his headphones. He hears Chanyeol before he sees him, calling out cheerful greetings to everyone in the tent. He turns, his own smile bright and terribly forced. 

It drops when Chanyeol finally reaches him. It's subtle, most people wouldn't even be able to tell there was something wrong. But Baekhyun knows Chanyeol more than he does himself. His wide eyes are shuttered, dark circles glaring on his pale face.

His ex smiles jovially at him before sitting in the next chair and Baekhyun's insides twist painfully. It's too quiet in the makeup tent, the girls also picking up on the tension and keeping quiet as they finish up.

They walk out once they're both done, Chanyeol dragging his feet like an upset child.

"Hey, Yeol, you okay?" Baekhyun pipes up, immediately regretting it.

"Huh? Oh, uh...Sorry Baek, what did you say?" Chanyeol looks adorably confused.

"I asked if you're okay, Chanyeol. You look...tired."

"Nah, I'm good. Just a long night, not much sleep. I'll wake up soon," Chanyeol laughs.

Baekhyun nods, unsurprised that his ex doesn't want to tell him what was wrong. They weren't close anymore, Chanyeol doesn't owe him anything.

They reach Minseok who is furiously muttering orders into his walkie talkie. "Alright people, they're here. Cameras and boom ready? Boys, scene 26. You're both missing each other but not willing to admit it, Baekhyun you're hurt and angry, jealous and scared of Chanyeol's new friends," Minseok instructs. "Chanyeol, Eunwoo is frustrated at having to constantly reassure Jinyoung. Got it?"

Chanyeol nods listlessly and goes to take his place. Baekhyun wants to laugh, or maybe burst into tears at how ridiculously similar this reel love story was to their real one.

"And, action!"

"Eun woo, you haven't called me in weeks. You never answer my texts," Baekhyun accuses, pitching his voice into a whine.

"Jinyoung-ah, I just got here, can we just...come here, let me hold you." Chanyeol reaches for him.

Baekhyun walks into his outstretched arms, wrapping his own around Chanyeol's torso. He is immediately surrounded by strong arms, folded into Chanyeol's body.

Baekhyun barely breathes, it feels unfairly good being in Chanyeol's embrace. "I- How's the family?"

"Good. They miss me, but they can't complain about the increased income. Dad's getting older."

Chanyeol's voice reverberates through his chest and into his own, wrapping around him. Baekhyun despises himself for loving it, for wanting to stay like this forever.

Chanyeol pushes him away, right on cue. "Jinyoung."

Baekhyun doesn't know what his ex sees on his face when he looks up at him, but Chanyeol blanks.

Baekhyun mouths the next line at him but he doesn't catch it.

"Cut! Chanyeol! Do you want the line?" Minseok asks through the megaphone..

Chanyeol nods, face bright red. An intern runs over with a copy of the script and hands it to Chanyeol who studies it quickly.

Minseok calls the shot and Baekhyun walks to Chanyeol again. His ex gently grabs his elbows. "Jinyoung-ah, I won't be coming home next month, okay? I'm going to Busan with my friends. So let's have lots of fun this time okay?"

Baekhyun's eyes fill, it isn't part of the script. Another goodbye from Chanyeol, even if it was all make belief, stings harder than Baekhyun expects.

He pushes away, putting distance between them and turning his back. "Okay, I don't care anyway."

"Don't be like that-"

Baekhyun turns around, smiling through his tears and bringing his hands up to wipe them away. "No really. Come on, let's go to our spot."

Chanyeol's face is stricken, he can't possibly know Baekhyun's tears are real. Can he? 

The pause is too long, Baekhyun's irritation sparks.

Chanyeol shakes his head slightly, snapping out of it. "Th-thank you Yonggie, let's go." Chanyeol takes his hand.

"Cut! Next location," Minseok hollers. 

They walk back to the director to hear how it went. 

"Baekhyun-sshi that was excellent! The tears were perfect, it was so moving! Chanyeol my dear, you were a mess. Please pull yourself together for the next scene," Minseok warns, laying a hand on Chanyeol's shoulder.

The next scene doesn’t go any better. Chanyeol continues to fumble, his emotions as an exasperated Eun Woo are perfect, his brows furrowed in the exact right way. Baekhyun was proud of his portrayal of a fearful Jinyoung, afraid of the distance between him and his childhood friend, his entire world. 

But even though their individual nuances were wonderful, they were terribly stilted when acting together. The scenes are a mess, Minseok calling cut every few minutes. Chanyeol forgets his lines, stares at Baekhyun for too long, steps too close or not close enough. The worst part is no one can be upset with him, Chanyeol looks awful, face drawn and usually bright eyes somber.

After three hours of barely salvageable footage, Minseok calls it a day. He’s visibly upset but bolsters his smile for Chanyeol’s sake. The director pulls him away when they return, holding him close and talking to him in a hushed voice. 

Baekhyun stares at them, worry twisting in his gut. He’s never seen Chanyeol like this. He goes to the costume trailer, giving back his outfit and changing into his own clothes. He sees Minseok when he’s done and waves him a goodbye. He unlocks his car and is about to get in when he spots Chanyeol. He’s two cars down but he isn’t even trying to open his own car. He’s frozen, one hand on the door handle. 

Baekhyun knows he shouldn’t interfere, he should get in his car and drive away. He was bone tired and already nervous about tomorrow’s shoot. They weren’t together anymore, they weren’t even friends, he should mind his own business and leave. Except he doesn’t, he heaves a sigh and makes his way to his ex. An instinctual part of him cannot bear to see Chanyeol in this much pain, cannot help but want to reach out.

He makes sure his footsteps are loud enough, he knows how easily Chanyeol startles. But the man remains eerily still, as if he doesn’t even know where he is.

“Chanyeol? Yeol? Hey, you okay?” Baekhyun murmurs, afraid to break the stillness.

Chanyeol turns to him slowly, looking dazed. “I- l…”

Baekhyun waits, right hand twitching with the urge to hold, to comfort.

Chanyeol shakes then, a full body shudder. “I’m okay Baek. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

Before Baekhyun can get another word in, Chanyeol gets into his car and closes the door. Baekhyun watches his ex drop down until his head hits the steering wheel, his shoulders start to rise up and down. Baekhyun understands what’s happening. He goes back to his car, footsteps slow and heart as heavy as stone. 

Chanyeol stares at the cup of tea Sehun has brewed for him and feels annoyance bubbling. "Sehun, after the day I've had, I need something stronger than fucking chamomile tea."

Sehun pops his head out of his bedroom, completely unfazed. "Absolutely not, and that's a strawberry blush rose blend you heathen."

Chanyeol groans, thumping his head back and staring at the ceiling. The overhead lights are dim, the way Sehun likes them. His apartment is very chic, lots of white furniture and chrome appliances, ambient lighting for the attractive models he often brings home. 

Chanyeol misses his comfortable sofa and rilakkumma plushies that he fought to display in their living room. Things that he'll probably never see again, since it's always been Luhan's condo. He hasn't been back there since their fight a few days ago.

"I'm making salmon for dinner," Sehun announces as he steps out of his bedroom, freshly showered and dressed in a Privé pajama set. 

Chanyeol grunts in response. He had plopped himself down on the couch as soon as he'd come home. Luhan's angry, tear stained, face had continued to flash in front of his tired eyes till they had filled and overflowed. That's how Sehun had found him when he got home from work, curled in on himself on the couch, eyes red rimmed.

Chanyeol pushes his food around his plate until Sehun allows him to go to bed. It's barely 8pm, he isn't sleepy in the least but he is exhausted from holding himself together by the frayed threads of his broken heart. He lies down in Sehun's guest bedroom, blanket smelling too new, surroundings unfamiliar.

He wants to sleep. He wants to close his eyes and chase the oblivion sleep offers. Instead he stays perfectly still as Luhan's voice haunts him, Baekhyun's face terrorizes him, and his own sins circle his throat until he can't even catch his next breath.

"God, Chanyeol where were you? Do you know how worried I was? Sehun wasn't picking up my calls and your manager had no idea where the hell you were," Luhan screams the second he steps through the door.

Chanyeol barely had three hours of sleep the previous night, his conversation with Sehun playing in an endless loop. He had debated ignoring Luhan's message and staying at the hotel for a few more days.

But he is so tired of being a spineless coward, letting his fears dictate his life and taking all of the choice out of it.

He walks past Luhan, who is staring at him with unbridled rage, and sits on their couch. "Sit down Lu, we need to talk."

Luhan sits on the armchair next to the couch, anger melting rapidly into fear. "Where were you?"

"I spent the night in a hotel."

"Why-"

"I didn't want to come home," Chanyeol whispers, finally looking into Luhan's face. "I didn't want to see you last night, after I told Sehun everything."

Luhan freezes, shock clear on his face. "You mean…"

He doesn't finish the sentence and Chanyeol doesn't know if his fiance is more upset that his best friend knows or didn't know until now. That the reason they're even engaged is because Chanyeol cheated on his boyfriend of three years.

"I hate myself right now Lu. I feel so disgusted with myself and I...I don't know if I want to keep doing this," Chanyeol admits, feeling bile rise up his throat as the words leave his mouth.

Luhan looks like he's been struck. "What the _fuck_ are you trying to say Chanyeol? Stop beating around the bush and say what you want to!"

Chanyeol takes a deep breath, gathering all the strength he possesses. "I want to call off the wedding. I think- I think we should end this.”

“You think?! You _think_ we should end things?” Luhan screeches.

“Lu…”

“It’s him. Oh my god, it’s because of him isn’t it?” Luhan looks furious.

“Luhan, Baekhyun didn’t do anything. Don’t you think we need to talk about why we haven’t set a date in all this time?” Chanyeol placates. Or at least tries to.

“It’s because you can’t make a fucking decision about anything that has to do with our future! I’m constantly asking you about the wedding and you always brush it off!” Luhan yells, face red.

“Luhan, you’re not listening to me. I can’t...I can’t marry you.”

“Why are you doing this? Am I supposed to ignore that all this happens after you’re reunited with _him_?”

Chanyeol hates this, he hates confrontation and he hates how with every second spent in this fight he gets angrier at how unfair it all is. 

“I’m telling you that Baekhyun has nothing to do with this. I’m just a coworker to him, he’s moved on.”

“But you haven’t.” Luhan sounds resigned. “You can’t just do this to me Chanyeol! What is wrong with you?”

Chanyeol remembers that first time in the bar, when he was drunk out of his brain and Luhan had forced him into a kiss. 

“I’ve told my family and friends! How will I face them?!”

Chanyeol remembers the horrible night where he sought comfort. He just wanted someone to help him through a terrible fight, not to put their hands and lips on him.

“I knew it, I knew you would fall back into his trap if you were together again!”

Chanyeol is the worst kind of person. Instead of talking to Baekhyun he kept it to himself, too scared of the consequences of calling him out. He accepted Luhan’s interest and thought nothing could come of some flirty messages and occasional phone calls.

“Do you have nothing to say for yourself, Park Chanyeol?” Luhan strides towards him and forces his chin up so they are eye to eye. 

“Everything was a mistake,” Chanyeol murmurs.

“What?”

“I shouldn’t have come to your apartment that night. I shouldn’t have encouraged you in any way. Because I love Baekhyun.”

“Chanyeol…”

He remembers the months after Baekhyun had left him, holed up in his condo with no one to turn to, heart breaking further with every message and call his ex-boyfriend ignored. When Luhan had shown up at his doorstep after three months of no human contact, Chanyeol had no resolve left.

“I started dating you because I had no one else to go to. I asked you to marry me because you expected me to. I’ve...I didn’t physically cheat on you Lu but I might as well have.”

Luhan is crying, it’s horribly loud against Chanyeol's stony silence.

“I’m sorry. I’m so, so, sorry Lu.”

It’s always been Baekhyun. From the moment he saw the scrawny twenty year old in the audition waiting room, Chanyeol had handed over his heart, his entire being to Baekhyun. He’s the other half of his soul, the only song in his heart. Baekhyun is the sun he’s revolved around, letting his light halo around him, burn him when it gets too hot. 

But he would burn. He would burn himself to nothingness if it meant he could hold Baekhyun close.

Chanyeol registers the sound of glass crashing at his feet, plates shattering against the wall. He sits and listens as Luhan alternates between screaming bloody murder and crying on his knees, a beggar.

He feels the remains of his heart shatter at his ex fiancé’s pain. Yet he doesn’t move, he doesn’t offer any reprieve. He takes the abuses being hurled at him, braces himself when Luhan finally cracks his hand across his cheek, slapping him hard enough to whip his head back. Luhan just stares at him, at the red blooming on his face, before he runs to the bedroom door and slams it shut.

The sun goes down, plunging the condo into darkness. Chanyeol sits stock still, left side of his head throbbing in pain from the open palmed slap. He welcomes it, a physical manifestation of everything that’s ripping his insides to shreds. 

His tears have dried, his hands have stopped shaking. Hours pass and yet he doesn’t move. He replays the last five years of his life, the mistakes that brought him to this place. If he had three wishes, he would start by wishing he never met Luhan. He would wish that Baekhyun’s devotion hadn’t dimmed.

However the only wish that he most wanted to come true, was that he gets his happily ever after with the only man he’s loved.

He takes off his engagement ring. He writes a note to Luhan, trying to put five years worth of apologies into a piece of paper. He texts Sehun and asks if he can crash in his apartment for a few days. His email pings, they are going to start shooting in a few days, he is going to have to see Baekhyun again. He’s going to have to pretend his life hasn’t completely crumbled down around him. 

By this time Chanyeol is like a ghost floating above his still form, an out of body experience now that everything has detonated, shrapnel reaching everyone he’s cared for. The pain is salvation, the sick feeling in his stomach is deserved.

He will take all this and more, if it means he has an iota of a chance to find his way back to Baekhyun again.

The second day of shooting doesn’t fare any better. Chanyeol had woken up bright and early for once, not rolling out of bed fifteen minutes before call time and rushing like his life depended on it. His mood was still sour, and he is more than a little nervous about seeing Baekhyun again but he decides to bolster on.

Minseok gives him an encouraging smile before they start and it helps. They’re sitting inside a rented house, cross legged on either side of a low table. A pot of steaming kimchi jjigae is between them, little bowls of rice and pickled radish next to it. He’s almost glad he skipped breakfast. 

He blows on a spoonful of the stew before feeding it to Baekhyun. “You’ve gotten too skinny, eat up.”

“No one is buying tteokbokki for me, or banana milk,” Baekhyun says around his mouthful of food, not ashamed in the least. 

He slurps his soup, humming appreciatively once he finishes and it makes Chanyeol’s heart swell, Baekhyun always looks so cute when he eats.

“Good thing I’m here for a while then,” Chanyeol grins, taking his own sip of the spicy stew. “I’ll fatten you up before I have to head back.”

They eat in silence for a minute or two. “My parents have started talking about marriage…” Baekhyun starts.

“Jinyoung-ah…” Chanyeol infuses mild panic into his voice. 

“It’s not going to be soon, but they asked if I was interested in anyone,” Baekhyun peeks at him through his bangs.

“And are you? Interested in anyone?” Chanyeol’s voice cracks and he hears Minseok’s appreciative hum.

He’s staring at Baekhyun too hard, he knows. He wonders if he is seeing someone, if some lucky guy gets to make his ex laugh, to hear his puppy sniffles when he’s drifting off to sleep. The thought makes his stomach churn. 

“No...I don’t think about those kinds of things. What about you Eunwoo-yah, my mother is always wondering if you’ll bring home some English speaking girl from Seoul,” Baekhyun quips expertly. 

“My mother will kill me if I do,” Chanyeol answers easily, watching Baekhyun smile.

They make idle conversation, before Chanyeol’s fake phone rings and he has to step off the set. Baekhyun has to start clearing away the dishes after Eunwoo fails to return for an hour.

“Cut! Excellent work boys! Take a quick break while we set up the next scene,” Minseok hollers once they wrap up.

Baekhyun skips over to him, eyes crinkling into a smile. “You were really good today. You look a lot better too.”

Chanyeol’s bruised heart thumps pathetically hard. “Yesterday was...tough.”

They make their way to the craft service table, Chanyeol fills a paper cup of coffee from himself and tea for Baekhyun. 

His ex’s eyes widen when he hands it to him. “You remembered…”

They sip their drinks in silence, minds racing with things to say but mouths stubbornly silent.

“I- I know I’m not part of your life anymore...and it’s definitely not fair of me to say this, but I still care about you, Yeol. I don’t like seeing you in pain.” Baekhyun’s voice is barely above a whisper. “I’m just...you can still talk to me. That’s what I’m trying to say.”

He laughs then, a self-deprecating “eh heh” that goes straight to Chanyeol’s heart. 

He gulps down the rest of his coffee in one go, putting the cup down. “I ended things with Luhan.”

“W-What?” Baekhyun stammers, eyes wide. 

Chanyeol sighs, running his hand through his hair. It is freshly dyed, back to its natural black for the first few scenes of the movie. “That’s why I was such a mess yesterday. It wasn’t pretty.”

Baekhyun is speechless, eyes flitting everywhere, refusing to look into his own.

Chanyeol ignores every warning alarm blaring in his head to wrap a hand around Baekhyun’s arm. “Hey, it’s okay. It was a long time coming and I’m...I’m okay.”

“Chanyeol, I’m sure your fiancé thinks it’s because of me, I mean, the timing,” Baekhyun frets, hands coming to clasp each other. 

“You didn’t come up much,” Chanyeol lies. “Baek, I...Don’t worry about me okay? I’m fine. I should’ve…” Chanyeol pauses, unsure how much to divulge.

Baekhyun looks visibly upset and Chanyeol wants to wrap him in his arms and never let go. 

“I won’t let this affect our filming. It needed to happen, trust me, I’m...I’m okay. I finally feel like I can breathe again.”

Baekhyun whips his head up at that, locking his gaze with Chanyeol’s. His eyes are shuttered, his face a turbulent mix of emotions. “Chanyeol-“

“Alright boys, we’re ready for you. Places!” Minseok calls out.

Chanyeol jolts, he had almost forgotten where he was. He forces a smile on to his face. “Come on Hyun-ah, let’s kill it.”

To everyone’s shock and dismay, the second half of the shooting goes completely awry. Chanyeol stands still as Minseok cuts the cameras for the umpteenth time, to his utter befuddlement, it’s not him this time whose messing up takes. Baekhyun is off his game, jittery and unfocused. He’s having a hard time looking at Chanyeol, let alone stepping close and staying there. 

The scene where Jinyoung and Eunwoo sneak off to take a nap together is disastrous, their heartfelt goodbye on Eunwoo’s final trip back to Seoul is stilted. 

Baekhyun growls in frustration, kicking a nearby trashcan. “Fuck! What’s wrong with me?”

“Hyun…”

Minseok strides over to them, face set in a grim line. “We’re stopping for today. Baekhyun-sshi, Chanyeol-sshi, I’m a little outdated but not enough to not know your history. I thought to overlook it because of the promise you both held, but if you continue to derail my shoots like this, I won’t hesitate to drop you both.”

Baekhyun swallows, face heating up. “I’m sorry director.”

“Don’t apologize. Fix whatever needs to and return on Monday with the right attitude or it’ll be your last day on my set,” Minseok says firmly, nodding once at both of them before turning back.

Baekhyun deflates, shoulders dropping and hands clenching at his sides.

“Do you want to catch a movie this weekend?” Chanyeol blurts, unthinking.

Baekhyun raises his head slowly. “A movie?”

“We said we would try to be friends, it’s the only way to get out of this awkward slump. There’s a new animated movie that’s coming out,” Chanyeol rambles on.

“Okay. I’ll um, I’ll bring Yixing. You can bring someone too,” Baekhyun concedes, a tiny smile playing on his face. 

“Great! I’ll see you then.”

Baekhyun looks at him for a moment too long before he lets out a breath. He reaches out and takes Chanyeol’s hand, squeezing once. “Thanks Yeol. I know you don’t want to do this but I appreciate it. This movie is going to be great.”

Chanyeol smiles, feeling his pulse quicken when Baekhyun mirrors it. His hands tingle when Baekhyun lets go. Baekhyun wanted to do this movie and he was not going to jeopardize their career. 

And if his heart soared at the thought of spending time with Baekhyun again, so what? He is only human.

**Author's Note:**

> If you’ve made it this far I HAVE to thank you again! You’re awesome! I’ll be updating this fic as regularly as I can, if I don’t you can come yell at me on Twitter @exhoechanbaek :)  
Please do let me know your thoughts! ❤️


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